I feel weirder about it now than when I first started. I'm doing the online dating thing again. It was a self-perpetuating impulse. I did it over a year ago in the summer of 2003, when I decided to "just play with them." Which worked well enough. I didn't spend a dime. None of that specifically bore fruit, though I did meet the guy that, to this date, has given me the best ear-kisses I ever got. He was really good at those. But I saw that guy until I got tired of dating three guys at once, and I axed all of them. After which I quickly met Johannes, my latest boyfriend. Since J, it's been longer than it feels like. After him, I was into Cris (a co-worker with a girlfriend) for about five months, after whom I started liking Aaron, whom I am just recently getting over. So it hasn't seemed like I 'haven't been involved'. I've been involved with people, they just haven't been involved with me.

Anyway, I was thinking to myself last week, that my emotions have been either very focused on one person, or completely unattached. Kind of at zero and ten. I need to know the middle again. I actually want to be middlingly attracted to someone, just so I know I'm not crazy for having had my long, intense crushes. Like, see Delphi? You're not just picking random guys and falling in love with them, because if you were you'd be feeling these middling 5-8 emotions rather than those intense 8-10. Sort of a control experiment to show myself that whether or not I'm picking the good ones is not the issue.

Though I'm pretty convinced that it's not. I think I've become good at separating the wheat from the chaff, and I tend to do it so instantly that I don't even notice it anymore. Like, I might get five come-hither looks in a night (such as tonight), but I will only acknowledge the one that came from the man I was, for whatever reason, interested in. Though tonight, like many other nights, that one that I chose was engaged. Like, had a fiancee. I'm not wrong in finding interesting, good-looking gentlemen who show an interest in me; I am just really bad at finding ones who are unattached. Yup, I can sure pick-em.

I guess that's one of the things that's comforting about this whole online thing. If they show interest in you, it means they are free to pursue it. Period. It's not like I'm mistaking a look in their eyes for open season. I'm single, you're single, let's do this. I don't know if you understand how much of a relief it is to know that that, at least, is out of the way. I'm not going to meet their cute girlfriend.

It's nice to know there are some people who find my love life (or failure thereof) interesting enough to keep reading.

1:36 a.m. 2004-11-07�