blah blah blah, I've been busy, blah blah blah. Sometimes you don't feel like talking about anything except the only thing you want to talk about.

Well, okay, maybe there are a couple things. Firstly, it's kind of upsetting me that Alex is being kind of a crappy friend. Lately. See, there are all these "kind of"s because I don't like saying that sort of thing because he's my best friend. As dumb as I think that term is, he IS my best friend, and he's not being a good one, and like, I miss him and it makes me feel sad. It makes me feel sad. ... . I wrote an entry a while ago about how I felt like I was being phased out, and then I was instantly appeased, but then, it's kind of still happening. It's still happening. (You have to bear with me while I admit these things to myself. I'm going to be repetitive in increasing degrees of certainty.) The other day at game night, he mentions to me some thing that happened when he went out with Noah the night before. I was like (just curious), "Just you and Noah?" And he goes, "W-ell, Lionel and Chris came, and we were hanging out with A. and K. too, and a couple other folks." And I blinked, like Uh. It's okay, I don't have to be at every thing that he does with our mutual friends ... they happen to be his friends more than mine, and maybe he still thinks that there's negative tension between me and A.'s folks. But I'm also trying be friends with A. and K. again, and well, I would have gone out if he'd called me.

And then, and this was really cold (I think so right now)... Last night I went to a party at AaronB's house, and we're fuckin hanging out and having a good time. A really good time. There's AaronB, Nicole, me, Chris, and Alex. A good time. And then we're all saying goodbye when the party has shut down, and Alex hugs me goodbye, and then he hugs Nicole goodbye and he says to her something about, "So you're down to go out to muttermutter tomorrow?" And she's like, "Yeah." (And he's just asking her as a friend.) In half a second my mind goes, What the fuck is going on here?, so I'm like, "WHAT's happening?" And it's like they're surprised, and Alex goes, "Oh, we're going out dancing to this place tomorrow night." And I'm nodding like, "Cool." Thanks for telling me about it, asshole. I was RIGHT THERE. I was right fucking behind him and he says goodbye to me and makes plans with his back turned to me with someone who has barely just become our friend. Plans with everyone else, and he turns his back to me and fucking makes these plans and I'm RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

Phew. After getting myself all worked up I just called Alex and told him what was up. And he sympathized, and understood where I was coming from, and explained himself, which was that he had begun to assume that I was pretty much busy, and was doing a lot of things with Christianna and Autumn, so he had filed me under the 'weekend warrior' category. Which I had guessed was his take on the whole thing. And I was like, no, please, just call me when something cool is happening, you never know when I'll be willing to come out for a little while. And he was like, okay. It made him sad that I was sad, and that's what I wanted to hear.

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And also, to beat a dead horse, I have a new perspective on why I'm miffed that AaronB is with Nicole and not me. So, here's a story as told by the webcomic RPG World (which I just discovered and is awesome.)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (seven and eight are the crux of this bidness), 9. And 10 (I wish).

So basically, now that I've introduced you to one of my favorite new webcomics, do you see my point? Another reason why it was upsetting that AaronB ended up with Nicole is because I cared about him more. Like, I honestly can't conceive of a way she could have more affection for him as a person than I. And I highly doubt that AaronB's logged any more hours in her imagination than in mine. And I think that's true. So it annoys me that she gets him because she happened to be more clever about bonding him to her physically than I was.

But hey. It's not hurting me anymore, really. I can talk with Nicole without harboring her any ill will (and I like talking with Nicole), it's just I think it somehow amiss that she and AaronB (and not me and AaronB) are together. That's all. I'm in the intellectualizing stage, but yeah, I'm still thinking about it. I'm still thinking about it. If she ends up causing him any serious emotional pain, I will rip her fucking guts out.

In other news, I met a boy from online, and I liked him. Actually, I met two, but the first was kind of a disaster. The second though, his name's Christian, and he's attractive enough, and nice enough, and interesting enough. Enough. The middling distractions will help me ride it out until AaronB and Nicole are ove--I mean, help me get over AaronB.

*Sigh*, I don't know. I just don't feel like there's anything I can do, and I'm just trying to wash my hands of it. Out, out damned spot! And yet my mind is still noticing things and cues from him, those little things, as though there is still something left to be done. I don't know. It's like, I'm not closing the door on it--I'm just trying not to go into that room.

Awkward metaphor: check.

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Also, I think life is like a dream. We have these illusions of coninuity, but I have real doubts about the veracity of that. I really need to live like the day is new, otherwise I'm probably doing something wrong. Man, the things deja vo does to your head.

1:20 p.m. 2004-11-14�