Poker night tonight was seven guys and myself. I felt like I was about to grow a dick. Not that I didn't get any recognition as a lady--oh no, that came in stride--I just felt so energetically male for most of the night. They were this close to talking lewd; and I was this close to doing it with them. But it was fun, it was really fun. It was poker, what can I say?

I am friends with guys much more often than I am friends with girls. I think I've figured out what it boils down to, and it's not that I'm a flirt. It's that I feel like I have to earn the intellectual respect of men. Hanging out with girls has this feeling like we're not really allowed to make each other smarter. Girls don't often debate things with each other, and prefer to agree rather than figure out the right point of view. I'm not saying girls aren't smart and can't do that; I'm saying that's how we tend to act around each other.

When a girl accepts me as her 'girl-friend', I usually did not have to earn her intellectual respect first. Why? I don't know, but every close girl friend I've ever had assumes right off the bat I'm smarter than she, for reasons I don't fully comprehend. Because of my speech patterns and vocabulary, I guess I come across that way, but generally, boys are less easily impressed by that.

I've attended Saturday night poker at Greg's sporadically over the past number of months, and only the last couple times, and specifically tonight, have I felt like I have their camaraderie. And I am a quiet, sometimes shy person, but that's not it, because they have quiet pokermates amongst themselves.

You know how I can tell I'm becoming a welcome part of their table? They have commented on my betting patterns. Firstly, it means that I'm a better poker player. Bad players have bad patterns, and those you never comment on because it's obvious to anyone who knows and it's up to them to figure it out. Mediocre players are erratic, unpredictably good or bad, though in the long run they lose their chips. There's not much to say about them, and if they get any attention as a player, it is usually people being confused at them. (Is he actually riding on something excellent, or is he making a really reckless bad call? I can't fucking tell, but goddamnit, if I lose to him on the river...)

Good players talk back and forth to each other about the game, and the game is alive. You talk about hands after they've been played, and you are able to relive the triumphs and tragedies without giving away your game. You call each other on tells, challenging the other players to be less predictable but more skillful. There are less options for a good poker player, but the options are more exciting.

And you pay attention to each other's betting patterns. What that says is, you're part of the game; your actions determine the course of the table; I expect to play you again, and I don't intend to lose to you. That's good poker. And that's some fuckin' respect.

It is good to have it.

2:15 a.m. 2004-04-25�