Ah, so J and I had some great conversation last night, first time in a while since the breakup. It was... communicative. That is a totally cold, lackluster adjective for what went on, but 'revelatory' doesn't quite fit, nor does 'confrontational', 'friendly', or 'heartfelt'. All of those apply a little bit, but don't quite cover the feeling, which more than anything else was communicative. That's one of the things I love about J--is that when you're talking with him, he cares to open those channels of honest communication of what you think and feel, quite wide, wide open. When I stop myself from saying something, he says No, say it. Whereas most other people would let the stop rest, and worry privately about what it was I would have said, or just allow themselves to miss whatever it was that was important enough for me to censor. When you shut the door of your defenses on him, he'll knock, and when you let him in, instead of trampling the garden, he'll admire the flowers. And then there's this amazing thing, of having let someone in, or let something out, that makes your eyes wide, your voice clear, your sobs un-hitch.

There were good doses of that in our conversation last night. Of course, it took us a little small-talk first--So, how you been? So, how you been? etc., etc., half-answers and awkward pauses. And he asked, "So, why'd you call?"

-Oh, I was just wondering how you've been. It's a long time since I've seen you... I don't know what's going on with you guys anymore. I don't know, you're playing by your own rules.

-...Don't worry. You won't disappear.

-I won't disappear--except I have.

-No, no you haven't... you won't disappear.

-It feels like I have.

-I, I know, I know it's... It's not them. I know that�s not what Yaniv and Howard want. When I told Y that we weren't seeing each other anymore, he said 'Well, I hope it's okay if I still hang out with her, because I like to.' And I think he's hung out with you and Alex since then, maybe once...

-Uh, yeah, yeah I guess. That's cool... Um... *big Sigh* I just don't get it. It's like, every time this happens, I feel as though things are okay, and then the only thing that's not okay is that people are acting like it's not okay! I mean, that's the thing that hurts the most, is that my friends aren't calling me anymore. Otherwise, we�d be friends, we could move along--

-I know, I knew that you were feeling left out, five minutes into the conversation I was wondering how many times you thought of calling and didn�t--

-Well, I tried a couple times... I think we talked briefly once and there were one or two times when I wanted to get together with you guys and it didn't work out... And when that didn�t work, I thought I�d just wait and see, see if I�d be invited-- [my voice is getting quavery here]

-I know. [here I learned the words 'I know' can act as a powerful admission of guilt.] It's just, I didn't know what to do. We're in unfamiliar territory here. Because we're not just friends, and we're not boyfriend and girlfriend either, and I don't know how to handle it.

-But that happens every time you break up with someone, there's always that space. Of course you don't become just friends immediately, that'll happen every time.

-Yeah but it�s different every time, it's a different situation, and there are different people involved, it's never the same. I needed some time to deal with it--

-Well, the thing is, if you need time, that should be communicated... It's better to say that than just retreat and leave it so I end up feeling ditched by my friends. And--*sigh*.

-What?

It�s just� don�t you think that if there�s some sort of perceived rift between you and a friend, and you intend to stay friends, that it would become even more important to be there, be friends with them, rather than push them away?

-...You�re brave, Delphi.

-Okayyy...

-I just want you to know that. Not a lot of people think like that.

-I mean, sometimes I wonder, though. Am I wrong? Nobody seems to do it that way, nobody ever does it. Like, am I missing something?

-No, god, please, don�t think you�re wrong. You�re not wrong, it�s just, other people don�t see it that way, it�s complicated�-

-But it�s not�-

-For a lot of people, it is. You�re ahead of the game, Lisa. That�s what I love about you. But� I have issues, okay? I have these issues, and I don�t talk about them with anybody, but they affect how I interact with everybody, all the people in my life. And, I know that just sounds like an excuse to you, but it�s the truth. So this situation is hard for me�

-What makes it hard?

-That it�s so unknown. There are so many elements I know nothing about, and I don�t know what to do about them. Like, right now, I was just thinking, What can I say, What do I want to say, What can I tell her, What will she understand, What�s going to hurt her, What do I need to tell her, Will she get upset, all those things. I just don�t know.

-Just tell me what you want to, tell me what�s relevant.

-I don�t know what that is!

-Well then, play it by ear I guess. I mean, come on. ... And, if we can�t be friends now�-I guess I�m the type to draw conclusions�-but if we�re not going to be friends now, while we�re both here, while we�re present, then how, when you leave... how easy will it be to keep in contact, to email or something, just to say hi and see how we�re doing? How will we be friends that way if we can�t be friends with each other? ...I guess I just have to get used to the fact that people come and go.

-...It doesn�t have to be like that with us. You know, next time we play poker, or get together to hang out, I�ll give you call.

-Well, don�t make it hard on yourself.

-Weren�t you just telling me to be brave?

-Right. I�m lying. I'd like it if you'd give me a call.

-I�ll do that.

12:29 p.m. 2003-12-08�