Hm-hm-hm-he-he-hee... I'm just remembering the state in which I wrote last night's entry. Oh my god, you guys, I was SO tripped out. One of those states where you're like, 'Maybe I ought to write something about this amazing state of mind,' and so you sit down but absolutely nothing comes and you keep on blissing out and finally you just write something down so you can claim it's done and sorta sit there smiling or dance around laughing intermittently and play nosy with your snake through the glass. Maybe flip the lightswitches up and down a couple times (reference to Waking Life unintentional, but appropriate). Ahah. Remembering how I was then doesn't put me in too coherent a state of mind now either, it seems.

And of course I was feeling the after-effects of it all day today, talking naturally to people I hadn't spoken with before, and just feeling right in the head and all over. A fellow student in kung fu complimented me, said it looked like I'd been training hard recently. And I haven't, but there are other things going right that certainly help.

Oh, it was like a milestone in my life. Like, maybe there have been chemical changes in my brain now.

All it was (and for you this may seem anticlimactic, but for me, hardly), all it took, was two hours kissing and talking and holding on top of my bed. And there was this shift that was made at some point, at which I stopped thinking about the two of us and started, just, Being There. It was exactly, exactly, exactly what I asked for, but I didn't know that it would have such a feeling of completeness, that what I was talking about was actually, you know, "love". Or whatever, that word is so overused. I just mean that, it was like, he's a piece of my own dear heart, and he's lying there and I can kiss him and talk to him, and you can hold each other like you hold yourself at night when you're so in love with being alive that you can hardly believe your luck. Except now there's TWO of you! TWO of you!

And it's so cliche when you start talking about it, but as it goes, it's constantly novel, and real, and it's like The Best Poetry. The verbalized thoughts I was having were amazing, and it was just flowing between us. It went without saying, 'I love you as I love myself, at all times, and that is unconditional.' That exactly. And it was like a dagger in our hearts, wonder in his eyes and his hand on my face, my hand on his waist, and the space between like nothing but our bodies. Could it be, my god, that we are both ready for this, this kind of life? I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking this kind of life.

Best Friend, Piece of my heart, face of my child, skin on my skin, sack of insecurities and tenderness, galaxy I pass through you, and the biggest joke. I can't fall asleep for thinking about it, I will fall asleep thinking about it, I will wake up having breathed it all night.

1:33 a.m. 2003-10-24�