Do you know what it is I do? I realize that I have dedicated my life to persuading people--in as many ways as I can think of--to enjoy their lives.

I realize that is incredibly presumptuous, and pointless. If people are in the mood to enjoy their lives, they will do it without need of persuasion. And if they aren't, then there is really nothing one can say or do.

It's like I'm pointing things out to people, going, Look! and Look! smiling and gesturing wildly, saying, See? Which is funny, because it has always been in their field of vision--of course they see--but I can't force people to feel it the way I do. I guess sometimes that people humor me and pretend that they are delighted but that truly there is nothing new and nothing changes for them.

But I am endlessly doing it. It is my favorite part of myself. It is why I write poetry. It is why I do most things. I am happiest and most satisfied when someone else smiles back at me, gesturing wildly, saying, Yes, I see!!

So the first thing I think of, when I think of suicide, is not doing that anymore. Is of doing something daily that supports my living but has nothing to do with revealing beauty. I think of going home, and watering plants. I think of looking at the sun set, and not telling anyone what that means to me. Not asking anyone to come see what I saw. Why pass on what has already been handed out to everybody?

Sometimes I want very much to live like that. It seems... easier. I have no burden, no responsibility to make someone see. Because when you say, That is beautiful, and they say, I don't understand, it makes you feel sad and alone. And when I say you I mean me.

So why don't I just live like that? Because this way makes me happy, and it makes me sad. And how could I live without happy and sad?

7:30 p.m. 2003-07-10�