I realized something this morning that surprised me. In fact, it made me stop in my tracks.

Background: My first boyfriend happened about three and a half years ago, name of Avi. I knew him at UC Santa Cruz. We were close friends for about four months, which led to an intense two-month relationship and then a horrible breakup, which began when we moved in together, and didn't end until I moved out three months later. It was partly my fault for perpetuating the bad breakup, and I accept that I was an immature bitch to him at the time; I've long since let go of any resentment; but I was still convinced that he was pretty lame in general. In terms of our relationship, I didn't see anything that was all that great about it.

But I realized this morning that he was good to me in a way that none of my other boyfriends were good to me (except J, it's too soon to tell): He loved me. His favorite way to spend time was with me. In me he thought he found what he was looking for. He was done. He was on an emotional level that I was nowhere near at the time. And that must have been why he was so hurt. Because he put so much more of himself into it than I did. I couldn't even perceive what he was giving me.

Anyway, that was my big realization. That Avi loved me. I recognized it because now I understand the feeling. I love Johannes. It's very easy.

2:58 p.m. 2003-11-08�