Sigh. Class today is Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs, also known as CIS 61. It starts at 9:00, ends at 12. I started at 10:30, haha. So to compund my annoyance at having missed the first half of class, I sit behind the Berkeley kids and get a double dose of Arrogant Bastard Tonic.

Maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm just jealous. But here's the scenario.

So on second day of class, I exchange contact with one of them for just-in-case absence, and he's like, "So what do you think of this class?" I shrug and go, "I have to take it." And he goes, "This class is a fucking joke. It's nothing like the one they teach at Berkeley."

Already, that mildly annoyed me. But I'm like, okay, give this guy a chance, some people just speak their opinions in hyperbole.

But I dunno, I just get the feeling from him and his other friends from Berkeley that they think they are so much better than us and they are so above this class. (Read disclaimer below.)

And sitting behind them just killed me today. Like, they just don't give a fuck. One of them brings his laptop, presumably to take notes on, and to his credit, I did see what might have been notes when I first arrived. But for 90% of the time I was there, he was playing a blaster game with the sound off, not ever looking up or seeming to pause to pay attention. And yes, we were covering new material. His friend to the right of him was studying for another class, every once in a while stopping to chat with the gamer. He's also a cog sci major, and like me, needs this as a major prerequisite. (Again, refer to disclaimer below.) And at one point a student further down said to the teacher, "You explain it so well, simple in a way that we can understand." At that the two boys looked at each other, smirking, and rolled their eyes. Now to the right of the studier was a girl, who seemed perhaps to be taking notes, but when I glanced again, it was notes for another class, and later she was reading a book loaned her by the girl to the left of the gamer. The girl to the left of the gamer seems the nicest of the lot--I sat next to her during that second class, and we were casually but appropriately studious together. She's generous, outgoing, and with an interesting style. But she, too, and I couldn't pretend she wasn't, was studying for another class. Odd, though, because she loaned me excellent notes from the first half of the class. Did she just... stop taking them?

This might make sense if we had a book for the class. But we don't. New material comes from the teacher, in class. True, it's very basic, and if you know computer programming, you may already be familiar with most of the concepts. But wouldn't you pay at least a little attention? Maybe to take note of what the teacher says she'll quiz you on? Sigh. I just don't know.

Just seeing them do that makes me feel hecka lame. Because I bet they'll all get A's. Because they're Berkeley students. It's like, they're not fucking off, they just don't want to waste their time. And it's like here I am, silly girl, I have to pay attention in order to get an A. I'm here taking notes while boy down there is defeating the miniboss.

I suppose it's possible that they are fucking off. Maybe they do have wack priorities. I've been that. But I've also been the kid doing something else because I needn't waste my time learning something that I'm already beyond. I can't not like them because of the way they act, they just make me feel hella insecure, I can't even talk to them, because I feel like a dumbass, you know, paying attention and all. Which kinda sucks, because I sorta identified them as the people in the class I would probably be friends with.

And it stings, because I've never had the tables turned on me like that. I've had the upper hand, I've gotten A's without trying. And while I'm not trying too hard, they're not trying at all. I'M the smart one! I'm ALWAYS the smart one, dammit!

I will be totally satisfied if I get an A and they don't. God, let that happen.

DISCLAIMER: Keep in mind that I am hecka jealous. Are they not Cognitive Science majors at UC Berkeley, and is not at least one of them focusing in Neuro? And is that not where I am busting my ass to get to? They're there. Ugh.
And as a general disclaimer, anytime you say, "Oh they think they're so much better than us," it generally means that YOU think they're so much better than you. And are bitter as hell about it. Generally, that means they make you feel small.
And they may or may not think they are better than you. Maybe they don't, because they don't particularly care about comparing themselves to you. But your reading into their thoughts is actually you reading into your thoughts. Capice?

12:23 p.m. 2003-09-06�