On the way home from the movie tonight, Katherine asked me, "Do you miss Johannes?" I said, "I still have a crush on him, but do I miss him? I don't know. I keep myself occupied." She said, "You're like me. Just push it away..."

Doesn't feel like I'm the one pushing anything away. I'm dealing with it, I'm living my life, and they--the poker guys, J's friends, and my friends too--they're not calling me anymore. They're not calling me to hang out.

I don't think J has anything to do with it. He might not suggest calling me, but he wouldn't say it nay. Howard would say, "Hey, we haven't seen Delphi in a while, we should call her." Y, he'd probably cut a glance in J's direction and go, "Mmm, I don't know. Maybe not." Howard would go, Oh, okay. And J would either ignore that or say, tepidly, "No, yeah, we should definitely call her," and Yaniv would say Okay but not call. J's not going to pick up the phone, though, and Howard will follow Yaniv's lead.

I haven't seen them for like, a week and a half. And remember, poker? Three days was a LONG TIME without playing poker? Gone are the days. And it's not like they haven't been doing anything--Alex has hung out with them twice since then; last time it was because they had just enough people for a game of Monopoly, and having One more person there would have crowded the play; and the time before that it was because, well, they thought I had something else to do. Crap. Crap on them. Pigeons, I ask you to crap on them.

A week and a half. I feel like I have been Abandoned. I have these friends, and because I don't kiss one of them anymore, it's like I oughtn't be around. And you know, there's nothing to deal with. It's like, I haven't been hurt by J and I haven't hurt J. I can live with having a crush on him because that's the way it ended. What hurts, though, is that my friends aren't calling me anymore. And I can bring it up to them, and they'd feel justly guilty and be sure to include me, and for a while I'd feel like a charity friend; or I can not bring it up to them, say to myself I don't need to bother with friends that don't consider me, and feel shitty that as I let them fall out of my life, they don't do anything to come back in. Two great choices. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'll probably reach out to them a few more times, try to call poker, invite them to stuff, and maybe next time I see them I'll say something, a little something just to let them know I'm feeling hurt, and maybe they'll say, Oh, we didn't know we were doing that, we're sorry, maybe I'll hear in their voices that they had no idea. And maybe I'll say something, and I'll see a guilty look on Y's, and maybe Howard's, and maybe J's face because he didn't do anything to stop it. And if I saw that face, I'd probably want to cry. I'd probably go to the bathroom and they'd probably know I didn't have to pee. And maybe I won't see them again, if they can't make it, if they keep on not being able to make it, and if they don't ask me to be a part of their lives, ever, like they haven't been. Then fuck them. Fuck them they can go play their little games.

Except it was really fun playing games with them.

11:55 p.m. 2003-12-03�