I called J earlier today; talked about how he's getting everything ready to go. While he was talking to me he was counting out his cash. I said the thing to him that I wanted to say, simply that I still think about him, and that I compare any guy I am interested in to him; that he "set a few standards". (Is that an awkward thing to say to your ex? Technically I suppose it would be.) You know what he said? "Sorry it couldn't work out."

Augh. So tasteless. That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I said as much, and he asked me what it was I did want to hear, and I didn't know, it just wasn't that. (I notice that this could be interpreted as me getting mad. No. I was not mad. I just said as much.) I know now that I just wanted to hear him say that our relationship was in some way significant to him also; more than fun--good for him. That I was good for him. That to me seems to be the defining factor of 'good' in a relationship--Are you good for each other? Do you help each other open, become more in love with life? He did that for me, I let him know, and I wanted to hear that I did that for him.

He didn't say anything to that effect. My remarks were taken with great consideration, but no reciprocation. It was a bit of a let-down, but also an awakening, and I think I am that much more ready now to move on.

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So Popscene wasn't open tonight, and while there was the possibility of hanging out with Alex, Trisha, and Ian, I didn't push for it. Instead I went and played poker with Y and J and a couple anonymous friends. I'm happy with that.

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More strange dreams. It's interesting how this is also becoming my dream journal; I like it better. That way the dreams are framed in some sort of context. I have like, 20-odd dreams stashed in a Word file, but I had often wished that I had put them in the context of time, what was happening in my life and in the world. There may be more insight gleaned.

1.
Night before last. I was with a 'class' of people, and we were waiting around getting ready for a field trip. We were in a house that was a cross between Christianna's and Blake's (sort of a dark wood/world savvy/messy hippie deal). The bus arrived outside, and everyone went out. I had to find my shoes, Christianna lingered with me. I found them, and we were the last on the bus.

We had been informed as to what we were going to see. Seems that at some point in the not-too-distant past, a large crystal had been charged with power to forever light a huge vault deep underground. I'm not sure what purpose the vault served, other than to hold the crystal; perhaps lighting the vault was just a side effect of its containing so much power, and the crystal itself was the treasure and the purpose--that seems likely. The crystal was round, with a starburst shape in the center, set on a pedestal; the vault was very high and large. The crystal was about 5 ft in diameter, and it gave off a steady bluish light.

In my mind's eye I could see the story as it was described to us, about how the crystal had been charged. This had been prepared for for a long time by sages and scientists and philosophers, and it was more an exercise of joy than of necessity. The idea was that at a specific astronomical time, a certain concurrence of light would occur at a certain point, influences from many different stars and planets, all in the right combination, at a certain point in space and time that had been calculated. This force of power would be incredibly auspicious and good. The idea was to house it. They created the main crystal, and many smaller auxiliary crystals. The smaller crystals would be used to focus, amplify, and send the power, much like a magnifying glass focuses a beam of light, and a mirror reflects it. Each crystal had a certain place and function. One would be in the position to receive the original influence of light and direct it as a beam; others would amplify and strengthen this power, while others would direct the beam down a reflected path to where it would hit the final, large crystal, which would receive, house, and sustain it. The charging of this crystal was the beginning of a golden age that we were still in; we were doing all right before, but this was a victory, a triumph of love that insured something powerful and pure and good would reside with us here for as long as we wished it; and as long as it was with us, we would wish it. No one knew if it would work, it was a long shot but a big hope. It worked, and it was still there, I don't know how many years later, undimmed, the greatest treasure of the city.

I watched the process happen. I saw the excited bustle of everyone getting into the right places with the smaller crystals, all over a large castle/library/university building of gold-colored stone. Everyone was happy and edgy rather than somber--like the first time you fire up a machine you built from scratch. It started to happen, fast; it was more powerful than had been expected, but that was a boon rather than a worry. Particularly I saw this one second when the beam hit a reflector crystal. The crystal was about 2ft in diameter, held in the hands of an old man with a brown robe and long white beard (if you've ever seen The Fifth Element, it's the priest in Egypt at the beginning, the one who tries to poison the archaeologist). The priest had a page boy next to/behind him. When the wide beam hit the crystal, it filled it up and glowed intensely for a tiny fraction of a second, then shot out in the reflected direction; as it shot out, the priest sort of staggered backwards with the force of it, and the page boy supported him; the priest had this smiling, wondrous look on his face that looked like, 'Oh my God! So beautiful! Amazing! I can't believe it worked!!'

As I got on the bus, it suddenly occurred to me, and I asked the trip director, "Is it going to be muddy down there (the vault)? Because these shoes are new," indicating the shoes I held in my hand. They were very nice, maroon. He said, It'll be a little wet on the stones, but I wouldn't worry about messing up those shoes. Comforted, I took my seat on the bus. We got on a long, ribbon-like bridge to get to the city heart. As we curved around, I got a huge view of the city. It was like it was on a coast/island; it was incredibly tall and crowded and everything was made of this old-paper-yellow stone. Beautiful buildings, a cross between Atlantis and Old England. There was a Big Ben-like clock tower, and others that looked like the Empire State Building and the Trans-America Pyramid. For some reason I assumed it was Seattle; NO, it was not Seattle, it was an amazing, surreal dream-city that was Definitely Not Seattle. We were bussing towards it when I woke.

3:30 a.m. 2003-12-26�