I'm hitting myself now for not having called J yesterday. I wanted to call him to talk, and to talk about stuff, and just to talk; and Christmas Eve seemed a perfect time to do it. I could wish him a merry one, and we could maybe have some time. I was going to call him in the car, but suddenly I was like, Oh, he'd hate it if he knew I was on the cell in my car. He'd rather I not call him while driving. He's a hard-liner like that, it's ridiculous. But I didn't call him, and figured I could while wrapping presents at my parents. But my sister and I were having such a great time talking, I was so into wrapping my sister's present, that I forgot, and then everyone arrived, and now it's 3 am and I can call him tomorrow.

But I didn't want to call him on Christmas; it's too significant. I don't want it to mean that much, I just want to talk to him. But hey, I'm not obsessive; I am going to call him, despite Christmas. Nyah.

And in proportion to the degree to which I feel for J, I am really horny, and I discover myself contriving desperate diversions in order to drastically distract myself. (Wow!) I mean really. Alex's friend Ian is around for the holidays, and while he does not inspire any future in me, the lust flows freely. It's because he's that type of guy--he's a freak, in the Prince/P-Funk/NIN sense of freak. And I feel myself going, oh man, that would be great, I would just like to screw around with you, fling please. And he is so, so up for it. Maybe, I'd put him at 75-85%. Me, I'm wavering from 75-15% at any given moment. I've developed some much stronger shame reflexes than I used to possess. Meaning I have more trouble just jumping a guy outside the auspices of a relationship. That's good and bad. I mean, good in that I now seek things that are more significant, bad in that I oughtta have times in which I let myself go. I mean, this is a pretty defined situation--he's going to college elsewhere, he has a girlfriend (though he damn near said that that isn't an obstacle, and he strikes me as the sort that would have some sort of 'agreement' with his girlfriend), we are not at all attracted to each other in a relationship sort of way, and our lust is casual but very very real.

He is hot into his sexuality (which is decidedly ambiguous), but projects it very subtly (as opposed to my ex Blake, who trumpeted it to anyone he spoke to). So the deal is this: he and Alex want to go to Popscene tonight (Xmas night). This would be pretty much the last time Ian can hang out before he goes elsewhere. Here are my forecasts for the likelihood of me hooking up with Ian:

I go to Popscene: 65-80%
I don't go to Popscene: 0%

So I'm like, making a decision here. At this point, I want to go to Popscene.

If I am aware that something is a distraction, will it work?

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Christmas Eve party with the fam was a lot of fun tonight. This is pretty much the only time I see these relatives, and they're all really nice. They always come together to my parents' house for Christmas Eve, for as long as I can remember. There are three established camps: the kids, the young adults, and the adults. We interact and all, but there's a certain protocol: the adults gossip, the young adults' progress is checked up on, and the kids growth and grasshopper energy is remarked upon. I'm sure this is no different than any other family gathering, but it's just fun to be in the dynamic.

I actually had an experience tonight in which I felt like I was good with kids. I don't always feel that way, but tonight it was just fun to hang out with them, and the really talked with me and liked me. I mean kids like, 2-8. I mean, sometimes that age group is just like, aliens. But no, it was superfun, I really like kids, they're smart. They don't express themselves the way adults do, but they understand things, and they have as much personality as anybody you'd meet. And the other miracle was, it didn't seem like my sister was as good with them as I was. And if you know my sister, that's beyond astonishing. She loves kids, has always worked with them, teaches them, is going to mother a tribe of them, and my blessings on that. But I felt like I could relate to them on the level of a friend, where my sister was just a nice adult. They would behave for me the way you would behave for a new friend, which I tend to feel is a more genuine bond than that of authority figure. (Love is the only true Authority!)

And jesus, the boy Joshua (of very distant relation to me, may I point out) is quite the fucking man. Quite the beautiful 15-year-old man. Who is compassionate, responsible, subtle, humble, fair, quirky, brilliant, quick to humor, and also friend to small children. Just wanted to point that out.

My cousins are nice, but as always, they relate more to my sister than they do to me. Dan, the younger of the two, perhaps I could hang out with, perhaps if he is very nice.

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If you are ever curious to see what expression your face holds in conversation, look at the face of the other conversant. It is there.

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Oh yeah, and there's one kid in the family, Ricky, he's in second grade now. My sister and I always thought he was really fucking dumb, but after actually hanging out with him tonight, I've changed my mind. He's cool. He's kinda like me. He's not very socially polished, but this kid, he has ideas. He trusts his own imagination, and he has a mind for inventions and the future. He is very very interesting, and he will grow up to be brilliant and weird. I don't know if he will be a success or not, but at the very least he possesses the capability.

When I talk about some people being more capable of something than others, that's all I mean. Some more than others. I don't think anyone lacks a capability that lies within the human spectrum; I think that we're all on par, while some people have random bits of excellence. But I do, I do think people are quite capable of anything.

3:04 a.m. 2003-12-25�