You know how I'm constantly attracted to people? (If you've been reading this diary awhile, you know.) If it's not one person, then it's every other person. But you know what? Right now, every other person is just one person.

All the people I've been flirting with, thinking are cute, have really been mostly just me wanting J. It's just that intellectually, I'm not allowed to want him anymore. It has been deemed a fruitless exercise of emotion. So instead I direct my wanting to Howard, to someone anyone else because wanting J is complicated. But when I dream that I'm holding Howard, I feel J in my arms. The way he kisses me is the way I think about being kissed. Fuck, man. I've just been thinking about the ways I want any partner I have to be like him. There are just too many good things about our relationship that I'm going to miss, and I don't want to forget about how they were so good, and it made it so fun, and better. Anytime I actually ponder hooking up with another guy, I think, But would he [do this thing that J did]? J would.

Actually, just having thought of it, he's leaving January 12. That's really, really, really soon. I'm going to be all over the place between now and then (Christmas--Tahoe--LA--Tahoe), and he's going to be in Norway before I even have a second. I thought of that, and my heart went, Ow.

ow.

6:36 p.m. 2003-12-23�