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b r e a t h e )
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I... have a lot of things to say and I don't really know where to begin. Oh, don't worry. No one dear to me has died and I am not suddenly homeless, nor do I have cancer. It just feels to me like a Lot has been going on, and I guess it has, because I haven't been writing. Preoccupied, I suppose. I am in a different place than my last few entries. In some ways. You're looking at a different facet of the crystal now.

One step at a time, okay.

Firstly: I adopted a cat. He is really gorgeous, and my love. If you ask me the right questions, you can get me to sound like a boring cat owner. I can do impressions of how he plays with his toy for you. I've done them for almost everyone else. He is a deep shade of charcoal grey, with soft longish hair, and pale pale green eyes. He is an adult, 2-4 years. He talks a lot, and he likes to be near me. I've never met a boy as handsome as my cat. His name is Auberon.

Next: I just watched the original Star Wars trilogy, IV, V, & VI. It's really good. I liked it. It's really good I liked it a lot.

Next: I like Nicole. I really and truly like her, absolutely independently of her relationships with any of my friends, and will make efforts to continue being her friend. She is really a cool and awesome girl. She has taken a job as a ski guide at Bear Valley for the next four months. So no Nicole: that's good and bad.

Next: AaronB is in Ohio. That's where half his family is, and he's visiting them for the holidays. He left on the 8th I think, and will be back shortly after Christmas. I miss him more than I intended to, and I want him to come back as soon as possible.

Next: I am 95% sure that Nicole and AaronB are in no way a couple anymore. I don't know exactly how long this has been the case. Last time she happened to come up in conversation with him, he seemed to halfway confide in me about some sort of issue they were having, so it seemed to me that they were still together. And yet, he left for Ohio seemingly without much ado, with the knowledge that while he was gone, Nicole would be leaving for Bear Valley. On Thursday, Alex referred to Nicole as a "failed romantic experiment of AaronB's." In a highly complimentary way, I should add. But this is the key "clue" to me, since AaronB actually talks with Alex about girls, and they have definitely spoken of Nicole. God, I'm sorry, this must not be interesting to you.

Next: Alex's girlfriend HK was not let back into the country and may not able to return. This is theoretically and on the surface a bad thing, but it is ACTUALLY one of the best things that could happen for both Alex and HK. Alex is on a date tonight with a girl we met on Thursday. Don't think him a scoundrel for this--he is a good person and is growing--all things considered, this needs to happen. We still don't know if HK will be able to come back at all.

Next: The end of my semester was a nail-biter. Like, if you consider a hapless, slightly despicable yet affable anti-hero in a moment of high suspense with academic career as setting, that was me. But I am on break now, and there is nothing more to do on that front.

Next: My sister asked for a carpet cleaner for Christmas, and I asked for a Game Boy Advance SP. This is just to give you an idea of things.

Next: I am dating a boy named Mark. For about a week now. This is significant because we are kissing, and he could conceivably be my "boyfriend" for an indefinite period of time. Things have occurred such that that is possible. He is a friend of Nicole's which is how I met him (at a party). He is a nice boy--a romantic in a rare sense. Like myself, he is a master of the Romantic Gesture. I have never been with a boy like that before, and to be truthful, it is slightly bewildering. It's anomalous of the behavior I expect from boys. He asked me out for Dinner, "this Italian restaurant I've been wanting to go to." When a friend of his told him that restaurant wasn't all that great, he researched reviews of local restaurants to find a good one. He's starting a career as a jeweler, and he brought me a flower on that date. A tiny flower, wrought meticulously out of wire, with a matching tiny wire vase. He left a successful career as a law consultant to become a jeweler. He has done martial arts for many years, and runs regularly. He likes first-person-shooter video games, and has played his share of tabletop RPG's. He makes interesting, skillful things for himself according to his whims, on par with my abilities. His hands are clever and expressive. He is about 5'6" or 7". He is willing to do just about anything I'd like to do. Once I let him hold me, he does not want to let me go. He listens to 'weird music', and we share very similar family experiences. He is culturally aware and understands his role as an intelligent American.

Not bad at all. I have no real feelings for him. We make out really well, and like I said, he's absolutely willing to do pretty much everything I want to do with him. He has all these cute and clever romantic ideas that supposedly fill the small gaps in our lives. He thought he heard me say I'd never heard the song "Ring of Fire", so he intended to bring his Johnny Cash CD and play it for me. He noted that we've never seen each other during the day, and so we're going on a hike tomorrow at noon. Things like that, you see. He'll pay attention in order to fill in the small gaps in my life.

I think I still love AaronB but I'm not sure how that fits in. Small romantic/biological yearnings make me want AaronB more--Mark doesn't smell good the way AaronB smells good, I am more attracted to AaronB. And then there's the emotional aspect of it too. He is so dear to me in a way that Mark simply cannot match, at least not now. I wonder if I'm just mixing this up with the fact that I miss him. I telling myself to wait till he gets back before I give myself a verdict. A small part of why I want him back home soon.

And besides, I don't know what I'd do with a 'verdict' anyway. I've been giving some thought to the ambiguity of happiness, and the enormity of what I myself don't know. Maybe the idea that "happiness" is being a traditional couple with the person you're in love with is a myth, or at least things aren't that clear-cut. I had this scene in my head, part insight part wishful thinking, back when I thought Nicole and AaronB were still together. Daydreaming that AB is secretly in love with me, I imagined Mark expressing misgivings about my feelings for AaronB to Nicole, to which she said in reply, "Think about it. I have AaronB; you have Delphi; and AaronB and Delphi have each other. What's wrong with that?"

I am a complete muddle right now. Everything I've written in this entry is only halfway expressed, so I am quite unsurprised that you have an off impression of me. Apparently, my self-esteem isn't all that high at this moment either.

Also: I am feeling very unmotivated and uninspired. Not that I'm not having fun--no no, plenty of fun is being had. I just--I have no work in me, none at all.

Also: I went to A and C's neighborhood solstice celebration this past weekend. The ultimate gist of that is that I'm friends again with my old roommate C, and I am again welcome as part of his neighbors-and-family circle. This makes me happy.

Auberon is my sweet sweet uncomplicated love.

Oh, shit: Also: I am in a borderline-manageable amount of debt to a credit card company. This is pretty frustrating.

Dammit, I was trying to end this on a positive note.

12:00 a.m. 2004-12-20�

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