Just went and played Monopoly at Y's house. God I suck at Monopoly. I just can't get into the idea of real estate intrigue.

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Oh yeah so Saturday night was Y's birthday party. It was awesome. Really good party. Probably one of the best college parties I've ever been to. I arrived when a game of Mafia was underway. Fine with me. I suck at Mafia, too. Watching was fun, though.

We mixed and mingled. J and I were rather awkward around each other, though not hostile, for which I am thankful. Not that there is any reason for him to be, but it just really is a blessing not to have a hostile ex who hangs out with your friends. I know what that's like, and it's no fun.

Then we played the centerpiece game of the night. I have no idea what it's called. So there about 20/25 of us; we each get ten fake dollars; and the deal is that we can pay people to do ridiculous things. Or bet on things. Or participate in contests for money. Examples: A couple girls got like, ten dollars each (we all pooled together) to give Y a professional lap dance. Clothed, yeah, but dang. Y wasn't the only one enjoying it. J got something like 12 or 18 to run around in the street wearing ONLY Lauren's panties. He got an extra five to get a car to honk at him. There was arm wrestling, wrestling in boxers, trading of underwear, blindfolded kissing, and a limbo contest. It effectively turned our party into a carnal carnival. (Oo, what a great theme idea!) And the persn who ends up with the most money at the end of an hour gets to think of something for everyone to do.

So because he had no shame, J ended up with 73 dollars. !!! . He did a few favors, used his power to set the mood--"Howard, play the guitar for us." "Alex, go give Emily some ear lovin'." "John, go lip-lock with Lauren." Then he came up with the grand finale. Involving chocolate frosting. We all got in a circle, and the deal was we had to lick frosting off the shoulder of the person on our left. He strategically positioned people, and the fun began. Oh, it was really mild--this crowd is a little too uptight, a little too big for it to escalate. (I mean, I've been to a party that took body chocolate a lot further. Ooh god.) There was cuteness and undercurrents, and some funny moments. I was positioned such that when Howard was told to join the circle, he stood to my left. Lucky, lucky gal. Probably not what J intended.

See, this is the deal with Howard. I met him in the latter half of summer 2002, as a close friend of Y who is a close friend of Alex, Alex by that time having become my friend through my roommate C. You still with me? Anyway. Yeah, I was attracted to him. I was still not the most confident woman at the time, otherwise I might have got on that train sooner. As it was, I met my second boyfriend, Blake, before anything between Howard and I was realized. Blake was just such a strong personality that I was his, fast, and we were over, fast. Lull, and maybe the Howard thing would have rekindled, but something started between me and Joe, Howard and Y's next-door neighbor. Joe and I were together for five months, and Howard was dating Cheryl during that time, so we didn't see much of each other. Again, at the end of the summer, we started hanging out, and again, something would have happened had I not hooked up with J. And lord, that was weird. It was the first time I hung out with Howard a lot while I had a boyfriend, and it sure did make the boyfriend uncomfortable. Luckily for him, Howard is far more tactful than Noah, and has known me for longer, so J didn't hold too much ire. But oh there were times he looked at Howard as though he were a fly to squash.

But jesus, I'm off track. Basically, Howard and I have never not been attracted to each other, circumstances considered, and it is practically public knowledge. So chocolate--I got a treat and J squirmed.

The whole night, J was weird. At first, you know, he was as awkward as I was, but he kept trying to pull me in. It was a crowded room, and at one point, I ended up standing kind of between his legs where he was sitting (he has long legs, okay?). He started kind of holding my hand, and I was so mentally confused. I didn't want to pull away, but jesus, we're not together anymore and is this supposed to make it easier?, but what is he doing? what am I doing? grk--Fgh--btp--kuh--sigh. I held his hand and let him pull me onto his lap. I don't do a huge lot of cuddling with my guy friends, and not that much more with my girl friends, so it's not like this was a misinterpretation of an innocent gesture. He's not a cuddler, either, so yeah. But we remained close for the rest of the night, jumped at the opportunity to make out for money, and whatever. Everyone who knew we had broken up noticed, and I think they were as confused as I was. I don't know what he was doing. Trying to have his cake and eat it too? Perhaps he's equally confused. I don't know, I feel like he broke up with me more than I him.

So after most people left, there were about 9 of us, and it turned into a small but awesome dance party. I mean, the music was the mix that we had all heard like, three times that night, but we were just in the mood, and we were all comfortable with each other, so we had a great time.

Sigh, god. Please refer to the apology. Anyway, I've realized that J is a jealous sort of man, and it was probably a bigger factor in our relationship than I guessed. Thing is, he's jealous, but not violent; and the cultural expectation of jealousy is violence, so I didn't recognize his brand for being so very strong. His is a quiet jealousy that causes him to withdraw and be hurt and close himself to you. And he's so sensitive that he picks up on everything that could possibly make a man jealous, and it goes straight to his heart and his behavior, he is so transparent about that. (He is a sin-wat!) And that probably would be the biggest point of incompatibility for us; I'm such a flirt. I connect with people by flirting. It's like it's compulsive. I don't know, is that unusual? That's probably why I have so many guy friends. I don't know as much about how to flirt with girls (though it seems I am getting better at it). I'm a pretty harmless flirt. Uh, that is, unless I'm single, in which case, mothers lock up your sons. But really, if I'm attached, then all my flirting amounts to diddly. But J can't see that, can't deal with that.

When we were dancing, there was another friend there named John. He's from the Movement, this swing/hip-hop dance troupe Y and Howard are in. Anyway, he is the nicest of guys, and a good dancer besides, and we ended up 'freaking'. You know, the sort of bump-and-grind dance, but hell, we weren't getting freak-nasty, it was all in fun. Uh, but it was really fun. We did it for some time. Sigh. Problem is, it was practically in J's face, he was sitting on the couch right there in front of us. And he was taking it in, lying there looking utterly forlorn. And I admit--this is my fault. It didn't need to go on for so long. He's right, we are not yet just friends. I still need to consider him, and I was being really annoying that night. I should talk to him about it.

You know, if there is one thing that probably clinches the deal for me with most guys, it's the way I dance. I am not the best, nor am I that freaky, and I don't purposely use it to seduce people. It's just that when I get into it, I look fucking great. I am amazing, and totally sexy in my confident abandon. This is no overestimation my friends. Probably 85% of the time people fall in love with me, it is because they have seen me dance. Both J and Joe said it was so. Hell, when I dance, I want me.

Howard--Oh god we make each other hot. It's like a game for us, how hot can we make each other without crossing the line. Get belligerent in each other's face, "oh yeah?", do random displays of consideration and virility, and oh my god the way he dips me! Oh my god! Just thinking about it, my blood! Hahhh. I mean, we'll get as close as we can while keeping it innocent. Random dancing. Alone out on the porch at a party playing t'ai chi Push Hands. Bantering that serves no purpose but to get each other riled.

I need to stop talking about this.

12:55 a.m. 2003-12-16�