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So, I mentioned in my last entry that I can't wait to play another RPG. Well, guess the fuck what. Final Fantasy Tactics. Now I'm talking in my head about Ramza, Alice, Alyssa, etc, and trying to figure out how the fuck to pronounce Beoulve.

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Tonight I went over to Greg's house to watch Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman, which is totally a great movie. We, the eight people I don't feel like naming right now, came to watch it, and it was hilarious. Now I know what it's like to watch a rented movie with those guys--awesome power. Oh god, we never shut up and it was so much fun. We were talking about how bad movies in English need subtitles so we can talk over them and still know what's happening.

We've all been congregating lately to hang out with their friend Simon, who comes back from Portland for the holidays. Simon was originally described to me as this: "Other nerds hate him, because he's a nerd too and he's really really good at all the nerd things like Dungeons and Dragons and he can always beat them at their own games; but he's ALSO really good-looking--like, Backstreet Boy good-looking--and so he also always has these hot girls. And so they hate him."

And so, all of that is true. Now, let me tell you the weird, funny, slightly fucked-up and yet true thing. We all got together about a week or two ago for Simon's birthday, went out to a bar and a club. I'd met him briefly in passing once before, and could confirm that he wasn't unattractive. So on my way to the club, I was thinking about AaronB, right? I thought to myself, "Hmm. What if I hooked up with Simon? I bet AaronB would be jealous. Oh man, dude, AaronB would hate that." Further progression of thought went, "But you know, it wouldn't be good if I just made out with Simon. That would be cheap. If I were AaronB, and that happened, I might lose some respect for me. Like, we'd still be friends, but I would also have become part of the long list of girls that Simon hooked up with. No, that wouldn't do." And then finally: "What if Simon actually fell in love with me? Then of course, I can't make someone fall in love with me unless I'm at least a little in love with him. So then, we could both fall in love, a little. Absolutely genuinely. And that would be perfect, because Simon doesn't live around here, so it would be a fling that would end on good-bittersweet terms.

"Now I know for a fact that when one of your good friends is in love with someone you like, you see that person you like as doubly good. If Simon wants me, AaronB will want me more. And if AaronB sees the two of us happy in love, he will, whether he knows it or not, want a piece of that. And we'll be friends all the while, so he cannot remove himself from the situation. So we'll put new desire on top of the foundation of genuine attraction, and we create this self-feeding cycle where AaronB is pouring all kinds of thought and emotion into me. And when Simon leaves, which he must, we will end amicably; and, after a respectful pause, AaronB and I will 're'discover our desire for one another, and HE WILL BE MINE.

"So, but what if me and Simon just aren't attracted to each other?
Not much you can do about that. You'll just be where you were before.

"...Isn't this using Simon?
No, because you see, we will be actually in love with each other. There is no using in this plan. Only people who are wanting, getting, and loving each other. It is morally flawless. In the end, you'll get AaronB; but before then, you'll be with Simon. Nothing wrong with loving someone extra in between."

Tell me, folks. Tell me if this isn't a weird and scarily analytical plan-of-action. I mean, I thought of all this on the way to the bar while listening to music in my car. And it might be ridiculous, EXCEPT that: it might come true.

At the bar we connected briefly but well, and I witnessed AaronB looking on as we spoke; and tonight, we were connecting lightly but consistently, and there is a seed of attraction planted. I'm curious about him, and I can see that he finds me intriguing. And as we all are leaving, he mentions, with voice pointed at me, that he'll be back in a few weeks for the winter break.

It's scary because it just might work. I've found that this is true about most all of my plans: they work. It is weird how they tend to progress as I wish them to.

And if we need any futher evidence that this plan is working, there is this, that I noticed as I was writing the last couple sentences: there exists a psychological tendency to feel as though things have always been the way they are now. When you're depressed, you can hardly remember a time when you've been happy; and when you're happy, you see yourself as having always been a happy person. I just caught myself talking about tonight in the context of all my plans having always worked, which of course they haven't; ergo, this one must be. Well done, Sherlock--yet another skull to hang from my necklace. I'm an ogre of love.

2:19 a.m. 2004-11-29�

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