I'm a genius.

I've let it founder recently. I'm not giving myself credit for what I can do. I've been convincing myself that I can't do it, or that I don't need to do it. It's a sin.

I'm not saying I'm the smartest person in the world. But there are certain things I'm good at.

I'm good at getting to the root of things and seeing what needs to be done. I'm good at seeing what will get me to an objective. I'm one of the fastest learners I know. I have Jedi mind tricks. I make the connections. People like me. I can make people like me. I adapt. I understand magic and the power of suggestion. I'm a good dreamer. I can see both sides; not can--I always do.

Above all, I have the drive. I have the sense of what needs to be done, and I firmly believe that if you don't do it yourself, then it won't get done. If you don't do it yourself, then you have let go of the certainty of its getting done. Anything that other people do for you is a bonus. Anything that other people do at all. And so there are things I need to do.

Along the lines of saving the world. The world is an exercise in awareness. Even if nothing ever changes, we are or aren't aware of things in ourselves. A change in awareness is a change in the fundamental understanding of the world. I believe it's my job to further that.

And you know, I do want a family someday. I want a mate. But I'm afraid that will have to wait. That will have to wait until my ambition is spent.

Because if I don't do it, I will take it upon myself to create a creature that will. I know this much. That would be my only consolation in having given up my mission, is that I will train someone to do it better than I think I could. That's the only excuse for not doing something that needs to be done, is because there's someone else that could do it better. So I better not have a family until I feel that what I want to make right is right, or close enough to it.

Because what better position of influence to train someone, to create a being, than Mother? If I don't succeed in my ambitions, I will want to create someone who will. Raising children that way is a terrible thing. If it didn't work, if they didn't live up to what I wanted them to be, I would be disappointed. The small disappoinments, and the larger feeling of loss of the mission. Those kind of expectations for a child are crippling. Children should be free.

And maybe it would work. Maybe they'd grow up and realize what I did to/for them. Maybe they'd be grateful. Maybe they'd resent me. Either way, I don't want my children to be my tools.

So I better fulfill my ambitions. If not for the original reasons I conceived of them, then for the sake of my kids who would inherit them.

I know what I'm capable of, and of course, my ambitions suit that. My inclinations and ambitions work together to be the fulfillment of my being. We all have our strengths, and these are mine.

11:37 a.m. 2003-11-21�