Tonight was really weird. I called J about the possibility of the poker party on Sat, and he was like, Can I come over? And I was like, Uh, okay, sure. He said it as though he had something on his mind, and I was wonderin what in the world he had to say. Was he going to suggest we get back together? I had a hard time imagining that was it, just because that's such an ill-advised move on all fronts. But what else was there that would make his voice sound that way?

So he comes over, and greets me and holds me as though we're together, and I'm rolling with it, thinking, This is really weird, what's the deal, does he want to be together when we're together, what? Let's see where he's going with this.

After talk about what we've been up to lately, he gets down to business, and says, in that relationshippy tone, "I... (sigh) I just don't think that I can do this anymore..." I'm still confused, thinking, What? Be separate? Do what? He continues, "I'm buying my ticket tonight, and you know, once that happens my priority is going to shift to, you know, wrapping up my life here in America, and..."

So now I'm totally thinking, Didn't we do this already? I mean, didn't we already talk about this in so many words? Maybe I should say something--"Uh, before you go on, I, uh... I thought we came to this conclusion on Saturday." He looks at me stunned. "Yeah, I thought we already went into this in depth. I mean, we didn't say it in so many words, but I pretty much figured that was what happened."

This took him as huge surprise. Took me as a huge fuckin' surprise too! I thought we had broken up, told people we had broken up! He had no idea. He thought we were just talking about what was on our minds. I thought he was breaking up incredibly gracefully. I thought we had agreed that the end was so near that it was here. He thought we were waiting till it came.

It wasn't horribly awkward, at least for me, just, well, weird. He was floored, felt like a doofus, but I guess I was just so cool about it that he was able to take it in stride.

Quotes by him: "Oh my god. I was just thinking today that the last time I'd seen you was Saturday, and you hadn't called, and that wasn't like you, so I thought, 'Huh, I guess what I said on Saturday had a bigger impact than I thought, doot de doo doo.' And I was wondering why you were sitting over there on the couch ... So that's why you had such a hard time leaving my house that night. Well, if that was our breakup, you took it really well."

Classic.

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So I discovered BookCrossing.com through laura-jane (another diarylander). Oh man I am so addicted to the concept. The motto is Read and Release! From the site:

What is BookCrossing, you ask? It's a global book club that crosses time and space. It's a reading group that knows no geographical boundaries. ... Our goal, simply, is to make the whole world a library. BookCrossing is a book exchange of infinite proportion, the first and only of its kind.

When you release a book, you also make release notes on the site, so other interested bookcrossers can go hunt for it. They get left in public places, like benches, coffee shops, intersections, classrooms. So anyone can pick it up--that's the intention. You can also arrange flat-out exchanges with each other.

I love it. It's like a secret book society. The curious and the passionate (read: me) will be drawn into it, while to the rest they have no idea that a living library is operating around them. And like the best of things, it's free free free and based on trust!

(If any of you end up wanting to sign up, my ID there is DelphiHale, you can say I referred you.)

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I am also now reading Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Recently it's come highly recommended, and oh, oh, oh, I see why. Oh it's so good. Oh Ender.

It just makes me want to rise to the challenge, pass the test, and save the world.

1:45 a.m. 2003-11-21�