So the other night, when J and I couldn't get together with Katharine and her Welsh friend B, I was thinking, Ooh! J was planning to hang out with us tonight anyway, so maybe I get him all to myself! Wouldn't that be great!

Because we haven't been hanging out just us lately. I mean, we see each other all the time, because we're always playing poker. But that's with everybody, you know? We haven't been just-us together for a week or two. And that's a long time, considering that our relationship is a month old and we DO have the time for it. I mean, we have the time for poker. You feel me on that?

So I was hoping for some one-on-one, and we were like, so what'll we do? and I said, Well, why don't you just come over and we'll figure things out from there. And he said, wellll... Howard called...., I was like, Oh my god. Frankly, I was pissed inside. When Howard calls J, that means poker. Poker is happening all the time. I would say that the poker-to-dates ratio is 3:1. No lie. Maybe higher. I'm annoyed enough about it that I just spent the last ten minutes thinking about how I really need to express this to him, because I didn't do it adequately that night as I was busy crying into his shirt about something else. (More on that later.) But frankly, the man is in trouble. Because he wants poker more than he wants me.

So Saturday the Crucible is having a big volunteer appreciation party. Which sounds like it'd be lame, except that The Crucible throws GREAT parties. I mean, they're going the whole nine yards, fire dancers, musical performers, the works. And the Crucible has a LOT of Awesome volunteers who are dear to me and to whom I am dear, and I've been dying to share this love with my friends. We're allowed guests, and I invited J and Katharine and she's bringing her friend. I've been looking forward to this for nearly a month. I scrapped camping plans to go to this party, and that means a lot, because I love camping and rarely see those friends. So I'm set on it, I'm INTO it.

We've also been planning to have a poker party, which would essentially be poker night, but we'd rent Rounders and order pizza. Sounds like fun. I definitely want it to happen. But Eric said, "So, poker party Saturday?" Everyone was like, Yeah! and J was like, "Well, we can't really, because Delphi has a party..." and he was looking at me like Please please please let me out of it, and I eyed daggers at him as I said, "So does JOHANNES..." I mean, I made it clear to him in my mood that night that he was on dangerous ground, and I was trying to make it apparent that this was The Most Dangerous Ground of all. I think the other guys picked up on it, because they reneged quickly and said we could do it another night, maybe next weekend.

I mean, as it is, we're going to have to have a Talk, because I feel it brewing in me, but unless someone dies, if for any reason he flakes out on the party tomorrow night, I am going to be MAD. Like baby you better pay for it Mad. I mean, he doesn't know that Crucible parties are awesome-fun, he probably thinks it'll be some lame, company-party type thing, and he wasn't around when the Crucible was a huge part of my life, and he's not aware that I've given up plans to attend this party, so he's not fully aware how important this is to me; but maybe he WOULD be if we'd been spending more time together, KnowhatI'msayin'?

Currently, He is NOT putting in the time and effort to be my boyfriend. That doesn't mean he's not great and wonderful when we're together; that doesn't mean I'm not in love with him; but my self-respect demands something, you know? This was the problem with my last boyfriend Joe. My mom asked me an important question when I told her that I had a new boy; she said, "Does he woo you?" I said, Kinda-yeah, but so did Joe in the beginning. She laughed.

I told J as we were cuddling about what she said, and we both laughed--I mean, it is a weird question for these times--but I was also trying to subtly hint that boy, I want you to put some work into this. I need Zest for the Zing! And he said, "Doesn't wooing involve convincing of some sort? I mean, I think you're, uh, woo'n."

The point I was trying to get across is, no, I am not "woo'n". You should be showing me that you want me to be your girlfriend and that you are glad I am your girlfriend. Otherwise, I will not be your girlfriend.

See, I am predisposed towards darling romantic gestures. I can execute them perfectly till the cows come home. Example: I wrote a sestina for him and submitted it to the McSweeney's website. I am waiting to see whether or not they accept it before I show it to him. Either way, he'll see it and get the gesture. Above and beyond the call of duty, that's my motto. Wait, that's the police motto. But I like it! It's not all on him. See, when he gives it, I can return it threefold. He just has to give it.

12:44 a.m. 2003-11-08�