This is what was happening with me a year ago. Someone linked to this page today, and it was just strange to read.

Oh man, and this is something else that was happening a year ago. Jesus. Things are just different right now. Really different.

How can I get back to that?
"You are not allowed."

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Tonight was a Halloween party at Noah's house. His new house is a fantastic party house, and their parties are always full. I came in Full Costume. I dressed as a sixteenth-century japanese demon - if you can visualize the prints from those times, you know what I mean. My costume was awesomely detailed, I spent like, hours on it. Or maybe not hours, but you know. First time in a while I did makeup, too, which was fun.

So I asked Alex where AaronB was, and he was like, "Oh, he's off somewhere with Nicole. She's back." And it was like, Ah. I see.

I mentioned Nicole a while back when I was reconsidering dating AaronB. Pretty much at the exact time I decided I was for him, they met at hit it off. Like, it's painful to know so exactly the moment at which my window closed. Anyone who's been reading has heard it mentioned, but it's just that now, it seems more important.

We had gone up to Tahoe for the night, just on a whim, me, AaronB, Nicole, Gargamel (a friend from abroad), and Greg. We spent an insomniac time gambling and having the fun. And that night I realized I was a fool for not going ahead and loving AaronB like I should. On the way back, I sat in the back of the car next to him, with Gargamel on my other side. I put my hand on his knee pointing to the water bottle indicating that he should grab it for me. He made to grab my hand and hold it, but before he got there he realized I was just asking for the water. He even said, "Oh--you want the water." So then he got it, I drank some, and he put it back. And that's it.
Then I took my shift at the wheel, and Nicole sat in back, next to AaronB. They hit it off completely. We made a rest stop, and he did a little dance toward her, and she nodded and was like, "Nice. You've got the robot moves." And that was Really the point at which I knew he was hers and not mine. In the space of half an hour. In that moment when I didn't realize he wanted my hand. Reality split, and I'm in this one.

And I've known, I've always known, I just didn't want to know. And today was just a definite. I heard she was there, and when I next greeted AaronB, he was glowing. I just felt the happy radiating off of him. And as a friend, I looked at him and thought, Dude--you look great! How awesome! On the other side of the coin, little old me was bitter. That could have been me making you smile and glow that way. You are so beautiful, and it could have been me, and I am damned.

It's not like I hadn't already adjusted to the fact that he wasn't mine to have. I went through the ritual, and he said no. And that was a while ago, and that was fine. It was just seeing him with Nicole, and remembering the fact that his being with Nicole seems to trace to that moment when I was a dumbass. I feel that moment so concretely right now, when his hand changed its course to get me the water.

And I like Nicole. I suspect we might be able to connect in some way. Then again, maybe not. You know what's funny, I always try to make a connection with the partners of the people I'm in love with. I guess it's a coping mechanism. I've got to see them as a person in order to not see them as an enemy; if I like them for their own sake, maybe I'll stop resenting them out of jealousy.

I guess I'm reaching that age, or the people I hang out with are reaching that age, where people start coupling up. A looooooot of the people around me are couples, and it makes me feel a wee bit abnormal.

Actually, you know what, I'm generalizing, because that's not true. A good half of the people I hang out with are single. But the four people I speak with most--Alex, Autumn, AaronB, and Christianna--are coupled. And one of them happens to be someone I really wanted. So. I feel a little, how-do-you-say, shitty. I actually let out a few full-throated "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"s in my car on the way home while I was wallowing. But I'm alright, don't you worry.

Off my costume, I count 16 safety pins, two bobby pins, three hair ties, and five different kinds of string/rope used to tie things to me. I think I've given myself enough.

2:07 a.m. 2004-10-31�