J is really very sensitive to what's going on with me; it's uncanny, if we're together, the second I start feeling awkward about something, ANYthing, he can tell, and if we're alone, he'll call me on it. He'll be like, "You get so stiff sometimes," or, "Why are you tensing up?" I mean, Jesus if I know. I know what he's talking about, it's real enough, it's not like he's neurotic; but it's not really something I can explain, either, sometimes it just happens. It's just like a moment of insecurity, you know? It's not necessarily provoked by anything he says or does, it's just something happening in my brain. And when he calls me on it it makes me feel even more awkward about it. It's like, when someone's feeling insecure, you don't want to make them feel insecure about being insecure, you know? It just sort of compounds the problem.

This isn't a big issue, really. It's just those passing moments, one in a hundred moments of looking in his eyes. But he seems disconcerted about it, I think he feels like it's some sort of barrier between us. It kind of kind of is, but just barely, and barely ever. But he says he wishes I'd relax around him, that I wouldn't feel like I have to protect myself or whatever. I know, and I know this is a tendency of mine with people in general, to erect barriers, but no more than the average schmoe. And besides, come on, we just started dating. This is the sort of behavioral probing I'd expect from a partner of a few months or so. I do need some time to get used to him and the unsettling way in which he loves being close (not necessarily physically, but definitely emotionally).

Getting to the meat of it, you know why it's unsettling? Because I'm not sure if I'm ready to fall completely in love just yet. Emotionally, I'm on the brink of being able to love someone in that life-sharing kind of way. The brink, I tell you. But something inside is going, Not yet, Not yet. It's like standing in front of the pearly gates, being given my own key, and saying Not yet, Not yet. I'd rather sit here on the corner outside for a little while longer. Okay, this is HEAVEN we're talking about here.

I'm falling asleep in my chair, more tomorrow.

1:46 a.m. 2003-10-19�