Here's how it has gone.

Last night, Christianna came over and we watched the debates. Afterward, we went to her house so we could chat about them and watch the wrap-ups with her boyfriend and roommates. Christianna is trying to hook me up with one of her roommates, and I can't say as I mind. He's neat. His name is Patrick.

I had agreed earlier to meet up with Alex and a few others at a bar, so I took my leave. One of the other roommates, Chris, decided to come along for the ride. We all met up, had a grand old time until closing, and Chris missed the last BART train home; he asked if I had a couch to share, and I said, I do. It had become obvious earlier that he was to some degree enamored of me, and I decided I'd just take it in stride. If he proves a decent person, I thought, we'll cuddle tonight. But I don't want to make out. If he seems like a person that can handle that, we'll do that.

He's one of those people that keeps talking and talking. As if for fear that if left too long, silence would manifest itself as a demon. I don't think the three pints he had in him helped any. I have a personality that has some allowance for not getting a word in edgewise, so that was alright. As I'm readying myself for bed--brushing my teeth, giving him a blanket, etc.--he continues talking.

"You should be more assertive, you know? I don't know a single guy who wouldn't be happy to have you walk up to him and start talking. You should be assertive, for sure. I mean, you're sexy! You're fuckin sexy. It's obvious you're not entirely sure of that, but you are! You gotta know it's true! You've got those dimples, and that jawline, I mean seriously. (on and on and on and on)"

Keep in mind this isn't entirely non sequitur. We'd been talking for a while already, and he had already mentioned several times that "You rock! You're one of the coolest people I've ever met". So he was already free to speak his mind to me.

So I figured, if he's mature enough (I mean, he wasn't really drunk) to complement someone freely without expecting to make out (which he wasn't), then he's cool to cuddle. And I was right. He was. We spooned ourselves to sleep, and I took him to BART in the morning. It was nice.

The things he said of me (the above was really just a sampling) were, yes, to some degree, flattery, but also, to a *greater* degree, sincere. I don't get that every day. So it made me feel good.

Today, I staffed an Epic show with a crazy woman, and then headed to Alex's house for some cards and a hangout. Which all took place. I cashed out of poker after I broke even, and talked with young Nick some. He continues to show himself as gentle, unassuming, weird, and affectionate, which strengthens the odd, odd notion that I will probably marry him someday. Someday when he's not sixteen and I'm not twenty-one. Far hence.

After poker, we played a game that Alex recently created as a birthday present for his girlfriend. It is reminiscent of MagictheGathering, and all the characters and places are based on our circle of friends and random silliness. AaronB opted out, since we had just played this for the first time on Wednesday. Our resident math majors were constantly haggling about the rules, which led to (to me) boring stretches of bitching and not playing. So I'd just leave the table whenever that started happening, and go to watch Aaron play Crimson Skies. I offered him a ride home, which he accepted; I always give him rides home. I had come to fancy that it was like that part in Love Actually, where the English man gave the Portuguese woman who tended his house rides home at the end of the day; and they would admit to each other, in their own respective languages, (not understanding), that that was the best part of the day.

The ride home:

"blah blah blah blah."
"blah blah blah blah." (We always talk much.)
-We arrive at his house, and stop.
"Blah blah." "Blah blah." He starts getting out of the car.
"Wait."
"..."
...
"..."
"Can I give you a goodnight kiss?

He looks at me, surprised, looks away, and pauses. Seconds pass. In my head I think, You can say no if you want.

"I don't think I want to do that."
I nod. It's all in stride.
"But I will give you a hug." hug. "I'm sorry." He gets out of the car, leans back in. "Are you going to Robin's tomorrow?"
"Yeah. But I'm leaving early, cause I'm going to a concert."
"Oh. Okay. See ya."
"Yup."

I don't think I'm hurt, per se. I kinda knew. There was a time, when we were first getting to know each other in the early summer, that we were going to date. But then, remember? in the mid-late summer?, I vetoed it. I had my reasons, and the chiefest among them was the fear that if something went wrong I'd be cut off from the new friends of mine that had been Aaron's friends longer. Valid enough. But as we became friends--closer, you know--it seemed more and more like he was someone with whom I could pass the next two years. "In that way."

And, I opened up to the idea that love doesn't always happen the same way every time. That you might miss a good thing because it didn't fit the formula. We didn't fit a formula--but it was good, so I thought, okay.

And also, the chief reason against us partnering was a reason based on fear. And I thought, that's not the way a human being makes its decisions. A human being chooses things out of a drive for what's right and good and best, not from fear of what's wrong and undesirable. When you get down to the basics. Nothing will ever really be wrong if you do things right. That's how human beings live. So I thought, okay.

Mm. I guess he just isn't on my wavelength. I'm not wrong in thinking that we are attracted to each other. He has smiled lots of secret smiles at the pretty and sweet things I did. And, hence a blossoming friendship.

I don't know. I just had to ask, you know? I explained this to you already. And this is good, I have an answer. Now I am single again, for real. I am free to stop misinterpreting and second-guessing. Good night.

4:43 a.m. 2004-10-10�