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I'm feeling like I'm being phased out, which I'm not, but still. I just feel like I've been put out of the loop a lot lately. Tonight we were going to go see Shaun of the Dead, and I told Alex earlier today that I could really only make it to a late showing because I had homework to do for tomorrow, and I needed to get it done first. He said he and Greg were leaning to an earlier showing, but maybe they could push it back. So I was banking on it, and actually was really looking forward to it... I called Alex and was like, well, did you talk to Greg? He's like, yeah, we're going to make it an early show. I was disappointed, but I really wanted to hang out and see the movie, so I was like, okay, I'll go anyway. And Alex goes, it's at 7:50 in Pinole. And I'm just like, Fuck dude! (Pinole is about 40 minutes away from my house.) I'm feeling like, throw me a goddamn bone!

It's really not just about tonight... I was almost going to just not go to the movie in the first place. But lately, it just feels like no one can take the trouble to include me. Like, if somebody's going to be inconvenienced by the plans, it's gonna have to be me.

Like Shadowrun. It's this tabletop RPG (a la Dungeons and Dragons) that I was gearing up to play with the guys on a weekly basis; I'd already put all this effort into my character, I'd learned about the universe, and now it's being moved to the one night that I absolutely can't do it. I mean, it's the worst night of the week. I get out of class at 9:30pm on tuesday and then I have class at 9am the next day, and they often play till 2 or so in the morning. It was actually really disappointing. That's like the third time I've created a character for a tabletop game I didn't get to play. I guess it's reasonable enough that if it's a better night for everyone except me that they may as well move it to that night, but that just seemed to start the ball rolling.

And then there have been a number of times recently that Alex and the Greggles have gone out to hang and just didn't tell me. Eight of them go to just hang out at a bar and don't call me about it. I'm like, come on guys? hello? I wouldn't go out with everyone and not call Alex about it, even if I DID know he was busy!

It's like, I'm not a part of making plans anymore. I just get sort of *added in* IF I can make it. It feels pretty crappy. I can't tell if it's even that big a deal, I'm just taking it kinda hard right now. My schedule's so tight because of the squeeze between school and Epic Arts. And those should definitely be priorities--I've decided that for myself. But I AM making an effort to hang out, and it feels like I'm getting no concessions. None of them are in school anymore, and haven't been for years, so maybe they just don't understand/remember how that is also an important thing. Maybe they think I'm snubbing them. But I'm not, I'm so not! I honestly get lonely during the days when I am doing nothing but school and Epic Arts, and I end up really looking forward to doing the things I plan on doing with them, and then it's like, "I'm sorry, we decided to move it to the time that we knew you definitely couldn't come to. Well, see ya when I see ya!" Where are you? Come on! Anybody?

I feel concurrently that the world is awesome and that my presence is neither required nor missed.

Sigh. Now that I've purged myself of self-pity, I might just go to the movie anyway.

6:20 p.m. 2004-09-29�

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