So, I've decided like, a hundred times that I'm not going to bother loving Aaron; that I just can't deal with being in love right now; that he's great, but it's not working out, it's not going to work out; etc. &c.

But, see, I've coached myself on this sort of thing. If I repeatedly make the same decision, and I am forced to rethink it over and over, obviously, I am making the wrong decision. It's like trying to go off the path in a video game. You can't do it. You can try and try again, but there's no way.

It's weird. I'm loving him, and I have no other choice. I just have to come out with it. I have to, because I've tried Everything else and it doesn't work. This is the only option left to me that could make things better.

Me: I don't know. There are all these risks.
Life: You could just decide to love someone who loves you.
Me: Mm. Maybe I could find someone else I like better.
Life: How about loving someone you already love?
Me: He's a good friend. I guess we'll just be friends.
Life: But, you already love him.
Me: Maybe I'll be gay!
Life: You're not really gay.
Me: I'll just push love away. I shun love.
Life: Well, that's not actually possible.
Me: I love the way he smells.
Life: See? Just love him, it's all there.
Me: It's complicated.
Life: How about just loving someone who loves you?

& c.

See what I mean? I can't win. But if losing means giving in and conquering my fucking fear, then I guess I'm a loser through and through. Okay.

5:51 a.m. 2004-09-26�