I feel like I'm recouping from some seriously off sleep patterns. Like, yesterday was just mucked. I didn't sleep Saturday night, got some sketchy sleep on the plane, came home, did some stuff, napped, woke up, watched a movie, discovered my DVD player is broken, up till 3, slept, chose to sleep instead of go to class, slept till TWO. Ugh, guys, it is not a good feeling to wake up when it's afternoon. Not anymore, at least.

I've been reading a lot. And stuff. I feel all lazified, but at the same time, the reading and the thinking, I feel like it's good for me. I've been doing so much that it hasn't left much time for rumination; and rumination is awfully important, to me at least. Rumination is a regulatory thing, helps me keep things in perspective. I know, Duh. But you know, with all my energy and motivation, I feel like I should be doing and accomplishing things, but when I stop to think, I feel healthier, I remember that I don't have to be doing anything. But you can't do one thing forever or else it loses its feeling, so I have to keep switching modes and being something different. To the point, maybe where I don't know who or what I am, but really, who does? Nobody is any one thing, it's just a trick. If you convince yourself that you are one thing, then you end up going through some years-long life-shattering mid-life crisis. For me, maybe I prefer many small crises, so in a long span I'm a more consistent person, but in a short span I maybe feel more waffly.

You know, I don't have a clue as to what I am doing. What I am writing about, where I want to go with my life, etc. I mean, I'm forging a career, I recognize that I am opening doors for myself along a certain path, and I feel that's good. It's good to have direction, it's good to actually try to create something. But there's the opportunity cost of it, you know? Oh well. The only thing that allowed me to go back to college was the knowledge that though you may spend years learning about how to do something or about a way to live your life, it still doesn't obligate you to do things that way forever and ever. There's no such thing as wasted time in that respect, so it's all right to change. Change is good.

Certainty would be so much easier, but that may only happen when you're dead, and not even then. Nothing is certain except that nothing is certain, ha ha. I have to laugh when I realize how little I know about anything, especially myself.

But it's okay, you know? It's pretty much okay, no matter what. No matter what, you say? Wasn't I the one freaking out about losing a football field, about this country going down the tubes or something? Ha ha. Yeah, I was. But I've been doing some reading, right? It's alright. Not in that apathetic way. Oh, I'm not going to bother to explain myself. If someone doesn't understand your point of view, all the explaining in the world will probably not change a thing. Because they will hear it through their filter, and so it would be impossible.

Right now I'm on the trip that I just want to be happy. Wouldn't that be great, if I stopped making myself responsible for everybody else's happiness and well-being? Great for me, I mean. Sure, it seems like the right thing, to want to devote tons of energy to helping other people have a good and fun life. There's all the worry, though. And it's kind of a trap. It's a big ego thing. 'You know if it weren't for me, these good things wouldn't have come to pass, and I'm necessary to their continuation. These things are good, and other people are having fun because of them, and if they ended that would be horrible. So they can't end, and so I can't stop, I have to keep doing this, I have to keep going, even though it's killing me and I think I'm turning into a zombie or something...'

I mean, isn't that kind of inflating one's importance? Oh, this goodness wouldn't exist if it weren't for ME. Me, me, me. I can't escape some kind of egotistic behavior. Either it's self-affirmation from helping others, or it's selfishness for wanting to make myself happy. Oo, oo, look, it's a logical fallacy, an either/or argument. Hee hee. There's really no point to all this writing about my thoughts, they're really circular, and they're not coming from any place new...

Maybe I should go back to writing about that other world I was writing about. And that girl who's kinda like me who came up in some game I almost played. I'm starting to feel her again. I really want to go back there.

Ha, if anyone but me is reading this, that must really suck. I mean, how could you understand any of what I'm talking about? Anyways.

Allow me to sweat bad introspective writing. See how I add that disclaimer, 'bad'? If you don't think it's bad, there's the massage of oh, she's humble, and if you do think it's bad, there's the massage of at least she knows it.

Man, I could write forever. I love it so much. I don't really want to ask why. I'm hella high right now, just from writing. Typing. I like typing.

I don't even want to ask myself anymore, Is it self-indulgent? Because I couldn't escape self-indulgence. If I'm looking for that in myself.

And if I want to look for excellence and genius, it's easy enough to find that, too. I could label myself as anything in any situation. Same with anything else.

And so, says the sage, things are not anything other than what they are. Any value or opinion is just projection, any change has good and bad, and I'm tired of deciding which is which. Shit, I just love all of you, okay? None of those mitigating factors, okay? I'm just so frickin' glad everybody exists. I think just that we exist here means that we understand each other on this really huge fundamental level, and it's such a huge thing, it really is a big deal, that we all exist here together. I'm not gonna say what we should do because of that. I'm just gonna act the way I want to act as a result of knowing that we understand each other. I'm not talking about philosophically, politically, aesthetically, or anything. I mean experientially. We're here! That's fuckin' great! Look, there's you, there's me, we're HERE! neat.

4:20 p.m. 2003-09-15�