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My latest emotional pattern is that I could feel bad, but I don't. This just applies to all sorts of things going on right now.

Like at the Crucible, I used to volunteer on Monday nights even though that's not in my internship, just a couple extra hours because it's nice being in the studio and helping with the grunt work as well as the paperwork. But Monday nights have totally fallen by the wayside. And the other day I saw the woman who sort of supervises in the studio mondays, and I realized how long it had been since I'd seen her. But I am doing my internship, well and good, all six hours every week. So I could feel bad, but I don't.

And there's this guy, Daniel, that I've worked for part-time for over a year. He's a playwright who's actually had a couple plays performed and one published in Berkeley. The problem is that he's handicapped, so he can't type for himself. So I've been typing for him, and over time we've come to be really good friends. So for the past couple months the schedule that I would traditionally come in for has really been clashing with the way my life is changing, and I've grown increasingly flaky. After one kind of unpleasant incident this Saturday, it was like, okay, me working for you is obviously not working out anymore. So, we decided I wasn't going to work for him anymore, but we'd stay in touch to talk. (No, really, we will. He's a very cool guy and I tell him, like, everything) Again, I could feel bad, but I don't.

And then the tour de force. Here, I guess I gotta be more careful, or at least less careless. So I've been 'dating around', right? I'm going to use the metaphor of me as a company and boys as, erm, employees for a position. So #1 was laid off due to a bad start, #2 seemed to work but was more of a temp (which I knew from the very beginning) and is about to be laid off, #3 and #4 are both promising, applications pending due to schedule, and #5 is quite good so far. There's a tempting #6 on the horizon, but due to overexpenditure of company resources on BOYS, there are about to be massive cutbacks, and the position is really intended for just one person.

So I'm not really looking forward to having to tell #2 of his impending joblessness. In this case, I could feel bad, and I do a little bit because I think I should, but really I don't.

1:50 a.m. 2003-07-29�

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