I'm feeling sort of sad and conflicted. Remember AaronB? A little over a month ago was when I was really starting to get to know him, and I thought, maybe I have a crush on him; maybe we could make a good pair. Then I decided, no, nevermind--I wouldn't want any possible friction between us to get in the way of the poker nights. Before you think that's trivial, let me say that these poker nights are a refuge and a haven; it is so goddamn easy for me to be comfortable there, and the Pokerfriends, who are longtime friends of AaronB's, are fantastic companions who are slowly but surely becoming my friends too. In addition, I felt there were a select but distinct few other people who topped my attraction for AaronB. So I concluded that in the end, a romance with him was too risky and probably wouldn't work out anyway.

I'm having second thoughts about this conclusion. Last night I went up to Tahoe on a whim with four of the Pokerfriends--AaronB, Greg, Gargamel, and Nicole. Gargamel was visiting from afar and wanted to go to the casinos, so go we did. We rented a car, headed out at 11pm last night, and played through the wee hours till the morning's full. Got back at two this afternoon (I still haven't really slept.)

Everyone sort of scattered as they each finished playing at the poker tables, and I was the last one to leave. Just as I left, and was wondering where to find everyone, AaronB walks back. We had many hours yet to while away, and instead of searching for the others, we spent some quality time. Went down to the arcade, sort of wandered around on the street; it was mondo fun.

So it was this quality time, as well as sitting right up next to him for a couple hours in the back seat of the car, that is causing me certain "confusions". Because god if I don't feel so easy when we're together. Just so comfortable, and funny, and honest. Never a dull moment, and all so natural. It's like, we're really not trying to impress each other, and yet we're candidly showing each other who we are, and we just truly enjoy each other's company. We 'get' each other in a lot of ways. And yes, there are times when I would just like to touch him and love him up a little. I am attracted to him.

There was a moment when we were moving in a group, and I sort of walked up behind him, and in my mind I saw myself putting my arm around his waist and moving to his side. I automatically moved to do that but I caught myself a second short. Consequently, half my body bumped up awkwardly against half his body, having failed to execute the maneuver I was unconsciously moving to do.

And on the ride back, sitting next to him again. The water bottle was tucked in the chair seat near his leg, and I put my hand on his knee to get his attention; he moved to hold my hand, until he realized it was pointing for the water bottle, at which he changed its course and simply handed it to me. Sigh.

It's moments like that--and there are a number of them--that make me think, why am I stopping this natural and mutual attraction from happening? Particularly when I am so happy and comfortable around him?

I think about my reasons. One was that I seem to keep running into people to whom I am more attracted, eg Robin or Cris; but truth be told, these people are fantasies. Cris is a thing of the past, and may through a slim chance become a friend in the future, but he is not a present reality. Whereas Robin, while present and awesome and hot, is, in reality, Not going to leave his girlfriend for me. I know and love Aaron. Aaron knows and loves me, more, I think than all the Robins and Crises combined.

I have been stringing him along, I know I have, and he has implied that he is not exactly cool with that. He was present the night Robin and I fantastically had eyes for each other, and he wasn't too happy that night either.

Now here is the OTHER thing that made me put some more thought into this. Nicole hung out with the Pokerfriends for the first time Saturday night, and decided to come gamble with us last night; she is brand new, and she is attracted to AaronB. They got along quite well in the back while I did my driving shift. She asked him to come out dancing with her on Thursday, and he tentatively agreed that that might be nice. They were flirting, and I am jealous. Now I have to do something, because I think my earlier assessment was bunk, and I need to take action before he decides that I am too much damn trouble.

Sigh. I had to figure this all out on my own, like a big girl, because my normal high-order confidants, Alex and Christianna, are all inaccessibly on vacation this week.

In uncomplicated news, I did some bike sprints yesterday near my parents house and it was Super fun. I lost money at poker, but I still rock at air hockey.

3:01 p.m. 2004-07-27�