Just watched Bend It Like Beckham. Really a sweet movie. Oh man is J. Rhys Meyers hot. But that aside, my first thoughts after it was over were How in the world did my parents do it?!

My parents are immigrants, see, from the Philippines. They had to go through the whole acculturation thing, too, and they had to go through their two daughters growing up in an incredibly different environment. There was so much we had that they never had to deal with when they were young, and they had to encounter it as parents! Can you imagine? It's hard enough to have perspective even when your kids are doing exactly what you did. Sometimes I get a glimpse of how hard it was for my parents to do so well with us, and it shocks me. It shocks me even more when I remember that they are still together, healthy, and happy, and that the whole family quite loves each other. One in a billion, man, really.

So I recently decided that I have some issues with being in love right now. I can't do it. Or okay, I can, but I've seen what I want and it's not within my immediate reach. I know I want it, but I can't have it right now. And I've been getting these offers from other folks, and I would really like to take them up on it, but I felt like I couldn't put my heart in it. So I decided not to put my heart in it. And just play with them.

I don't think I've ever been this successfully irresponsible in my life. When it comes to relationships, that is. I mean, I'm not lying or anything, I'm not really duping any of them. Maybe they think there's a feeling there that really isn't there, but how is that my fault? Okay, I can see how it could be my fault.

But it's like, I made the decision to play on a Monday, and then it's like Tuesday I met someone and then Thursday I met someone else and then Saturday I met someone else. Did I emit some sort of mating call? It's like, they all just sort of started coming, and I sort of picked them all up because why not, and now I'm sorta thinking, wait a sec, I don't have the time or energy for all these people. Maybe just one, and only if it's fair to them. Because I don't like the idea of playing people. Because I would not like being played.

12:07 a.m. 2003-07-08�