I just learned that by August 28th, Mars is going to be as close as it's been to Earth in the past 15,000 years. Sure, it may not seem like such a big deal, but these astronomical events give a sense of a totally different scale of time. 15,000 years, guys. The last time Mars was this close, I think we were getting out of the last Ice Age. Makes me feel like I'm in the picture, you know? It's like, here's my little life, and there's Mars, and we've both got our own stuff going on, and it's happening together. Perhaps indifferent of each other, but still together. It's like I'm a sixth grader and Mars is this eight grader in the same school. Every once in a while I'll look up to him and notice his goings-on, while for the most part he doesn't notice me. It's not necessarily life changing, but it's a kind of connection, you know, the kind of connection that creates a very detailed and interesting world. What's up, Mars.

So I stumbled across two great discoveries involving pantyhose.

Number one: I needed to make a stocking cap to cover up my cornrows while I slept. I'd never done this before, so I got out my old, bedraggled pair of pantyhose and puzzle-worked them. I thought those stocking caps were made from the toes, but after cutting them off I realized there was no way they'd stretch to fit my head. More like my arm. So I was like, How do you make these? Then I realized, oh, it's the waist part that goes around your head. Which struck me as funny, because the crotch part rests right on the crown of your head, and I'd worn my pantyhose without underwear before (cause, well, I don't like too many layers), but I figured it's all good because I've washed them.

But so I'm left with the two foot parts that I cut off and I put my hand in them because they are obviously nice for that. And I thought, huh, it would be cool if I could somehow make gloves out of these. And then it dawned on me--Number two! I could make gloves out of these!

And not just gloves, my friends--Super Awesome Ninja Hobo Madonna Gloves! See, it's very simple: you just spread out your fingers in the toe part of the stocking, and where each of your fingers pokes, pinch the material and cut a small hole. Small, because it'll stretch to fit your finger. That's it! Just pull them on, and Voila! The epitome of eighties weirdo style!

I tried this with a pair of black pantyhose, which looks great. That's why they're sort of ninja. I don't think it would look nearly as good if you used the flesh-colored kind. In fact, it would look downright creepy. Look, everyone, I'm wearing someone else's skin as gloves! Unless you go for that effect.

2:35 p.m. 2003-07-07�