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This Neon Genesis Evangelion series is becoming really fucking intense. I did not expect it at all. At first I'm like, oh it's a nice action series, very well. The action became more engrossing, and the characters became much deeper--and all of a sudden I'm being shown things I almost never expected to see again. Seeing this is like the first time I saw Akira. There are parts of my consciousness on screen that... I almost didn't survive when I first encountered them. That sounds really dramatic, I know, but the series is fucking dramatic and that's what I went through. For a lot of people, it's fiction, I guess. I remember reading reviews from people who said that the series became too philosophical and incomprehensible after episode 16 or so. I'm at episode 20 now, and for me--it's not incomprehensible, it's shockingly personal.

Watching a war movie might have left me less shell-shocked. It feels as though I haven't blinked in ages. I have, but there's one eye that isn't closing. I'm at the borders of a territory that I still know nothing about, and that caused me a lot of intense fear the last time I went there. A lot of other feelings and thoughts too, I'm sure, but of course the fear left the greatest impression. Did I overreact?

I read somewhere, and I agree, that the things we fear are the things that hold the most personal power for us, for good or ill.

But truly, the scale is completely different when you're there, the scale of good and ill is completely out of whack. It's a calibration that I've been hard pressed to remember. I seem to desire it, but it's utterly confusing. My rational mind demands to know whether a choice to move into that territory would be right or wrong, when--when my regular, rational human scales don't apply to this 'thing' at all. So I don't know, and the only way to know is to go there.

This body is a womb for one's true self.

12:41 a.m. 2004-07-06�

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