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b r e a t h e )
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Aaaaagh, dammit. Dammit all to hell.

I wanted so badly to be in love with Aaron B., but I just don't think it's going to happen. I like him, sure I do, and I think he qualifies as dateable, but I'm afraid it's got to be more than that. Especially since I love (really love) his friends. I want to hang out with them for as long as I want to hang out with them, and if I were ever to break up with Aaron, it would be too awkward, at least for a little while, and then things could be different. I don't want things to be different. I like these poker nights, I like that they ask me out to watch random sports matches, I like that they think I'm smart and sexy and I like that I love them as clever-fun men.

Sorry, Aaron. It's too much. I don't want to lose these winnings. I see myself wanting to hang out with these guys longer than I see myself dating Aaron. Sometimes it's worth it. This is not one of those times.

But Aargh! Is it weird that I so strongly desire to just be in fucking love again? Is it terrible that I used such a badly-worded sentence for something I feel so strongly? I'm tired of this! I don't think anyone is good enough, and the ones that I do are all taken. Screw this crap. Screw it. I'm tired of it. Fuck it. Fuck wanting. All you people go home.

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As disgruntled as I am now, I had a great day yesterday (Friday). I found out that I've been accepted into Mills College, about which I am juiced. Juiced like a sweet, sweet orange. I may perhaps explain later as to why this is so great. But I'm going to Mills, baby.

I'm telling everything out of order, but you're just going to have to deal with that.

My dad and I went down to LA last night to take a bunch of my sister's furniture back to the Bay Area. She's giving it over into the care of my parents because she's moving to Philly in August for grad school. My dad had a meeting in Carmel (an extremely picturesque beach town near Monterey) on Friday, so we left early so he could attend that. Meanwhile, I got to stroll around downtown and the beach on one of the most beautiful days ever. I checked my email on a hotel computer to find that I had been accepted into Mills, and I finalized my bids on a bundle of interesting stuff on ebay (isn't it odd how that can make you feel good?).

rrrRRRah! I am truly incoherent right now. I am attempting to write about the rest of what happened, and it just isn't coming right, none of it is, so I'm throwing it in. The towel, that is.

Basically, I just wanted to say that I got an awesome hat while I was in Carmel. It's sorta like a cowboy hat, and sorta like a safari hat, but it doesn't matter what it's like, because it's damn sexy on me, and so useful I want to chew on it like a dog.

Christ Almighty. Who am I? What have I done? What is this place?

3:18 a.m. 2004-06-20�

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