( s p a c e

t o

b r e a t h e )
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The last two dreams that I can remember featured Cris; one of them was specifically about the two of us (that was before I left work), and in the other he made sort of a guest appearance. That was last night. As I was waking up, I thought to myself about how he'd been in my dreams a lot lately, and I was semi-consciously thinking of him and the way we relate to each other, and I mumbled, dreamily, "Sorry... if I misled you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

That's not such a good sign. I tend to think of those in-between times as moments of clarity, moments when I can think and see things that my full-waking mind remains unaware of. I know that statement didn't come from me. Did it come from him?

Could be. Then again, might not. In the part of my dream that I awoke to, I shut the door against a wasp ready to fly in; and though I shut the door, the wasp knew I was behind it, and started trying to crawl between the door and the door-jamb. I peered closely at it in alarm as it began to wriggle its way through; I could hear it buzzing, and the buzzing grew louder as it came closer to coming through; I awoke as the buzz freed itself, I gasped and my hand flew up to protect my face. Thus ensued some quality time between waking and sleep, the very same in which I muttered the abovementioned phrase. I also thought to myself, 'The wasp represents a visceral fear, a fear that comes from the instinct of self-protection.' Perhaps the phrase came from there. Came from my fears. The fear of being stung, ha. The sting of rejection.

Later today, on my way home from somewhere, I was thinking/considering letting my crush on Cris slide. I thought to myself, Why would you want to do that? I thought back: Because in this case there is a lot of potential for getting hurt. Ah, I thought. Ah.

"Sorry if I misled you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings." It sounds like such a typical phrase, doesn't it? A typical phrase of the kindest (and worst kind of) rejection. I can imagine it coming from him. Maybe I did imagine it coming from him.

But hey, it's a wasp, right? Not a vampire. Not a bear. A wasp.

But I've never been stung. What if I'm allergic?

10:52 p.m. 2004-05-02�

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