Today Cris and I were counting out our money and receipts at closing. We need to separate our receipts into Visa, MasterCard, and American Express, and count how many there are of each. When he finished, Cris was like, "Hm, lot of MasterCards today." And I started cracking up. "Dude," I said, "the things you find interesting when you've been in retail long enough... 'lotta MasterCards today'... Jesus..." And of course I was laughing because I'd thought that sort of thing often enough myself, but just hearing him say it made it seem so freaking preposterous. Laughter overtook me like it hasn't in the longest time, I was doubled over in a split second. Cris and Jeannie (the manager) also found it funny, but obviously not to the degree that I did. Cris said, "Oh come on, you know there's always this contest in your head..." Jeannie's like, "Yeah, Visa always wins, MasterCard is always second but sometimes it comes close..." I mean, they understood that it was funny, but I laughed so hard it was indecent. I controlled myself quickly, and returned to business as usual.

But man. For me, that phrase will forever sum up the entirety of the retail experience:

"Hm. Lotta MasterCards today."

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When I'm frustrated at homework is when I start babbling the worst. I just put my head in my hands and my internal universe takes over and it's like I'm dreaming or something. I reiterate my experiences of the day, distant memories, snatches of song in my head. I don't think I would call it getting distracted, because I'm not distracted by anything; it's more like retreat. But I find myself thinking relevant/revelatory things. If I pay half-attention, I can learn things about myself.

I was reliving a memory of a couple days ago, and I caught myself in the middle to find myself staring emptily at a problem on the page, saying "stoopid" over and over. I was... disappointed that I might think that of myself.

And at another point I was thinking of these two guys who seem to be sort of into me, and I seem to be sort of into them; and I was simultaneously remembering this semi-crazy old dude named Terry that I tutored a couple semesters ago. One time we were in my favorite cafe, and Alex and my friend Kyle came over to say Hey. We chatted, they left, and Terry was like, "So, which one of those two you sweet on?" And I said, "Neither."

But so weird, my inner universe is so LOUD. It's really loud. My environment is not silent when I'm in those memories/moments. Sometimes I'm like that when I'm reading, too. Just so into the world that I have no idea that everything is still around me. One time, I hit the end of a story, and I looked up and was shocked by the level of silence that had settled. I just have this ability to fully retreat into an inner sanctum. When I was in grade school, I had the singular reputation of being in "la-la land" all the time. All my teachers, all my classmates. "Delphi, hello? Oh, she's in la-la land again." True, it was partly because I wasn't being challenged, but those aren't the only times I'm oblivious to my surroundings.

The other day, I was really into a news article that I was reading at my parents' house, and I think my dad was trying to say something to me, and I heard nothing, literally nothing, except when he shook his head and said, "Amazing." Even that barely registered, and a minute later when he sat down at the table, it occurred that he might have been talking to me, and I looked up at him and said, "Huh?" We just sort of smiled at each other and I went back to reading.

I don't even notice myself do this. I guess I'm one of those people who can be in a room and absorb nothing of what happens in it. I've heard that's a really annoying trait. I think I've been annoyed by people like that in the past. You always have to explain everything a second time just for them.

You know, that's one of my traits that is magnified tenfold when I smoke pot. That's one of the reasons I don't do it anymore. Because I can't... I'm just not present. It's an introspective drug for me. Except that it's not quite even that, because I can't focus enough to think anything coherent except how I'm so lame because I can't focus and think and be present and fun with my friends. That's pretty much how it's been the few most recent times I've re-tried it.

It wasn't always like that, though, and I wonder what changed. I don't regret not smoking pot, but I'm just so very sensitive to it now. For the most part, I shouldn't even partake.

Hm. I think really, nothing actually changed, it's just that I gained a deeper awareness of how my consciousness and interaction is affected by the drug. Whereas before, I didn't notice it and could carry on and enjoy myself, now I do notice it and it's just not fun anymore.

That's my general theory on the way of things. Nothing of ourselves actually changes in life, we simply get to know ourselves better, notice our subtleties. We seem very different from before, but really, we are just more aware of things. There was a point in life when I just chose to see how I was affected. And from that point on, it wasn't the same.

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This BOASAS comic is pure genius.

12:59 a.m. 2004-04-22�