It's nice to know I can still have a great time stumbling around with a couple friends and acting my age.

Driving home this morning, I thought back on my year of altered states in Santa Cruz, and I wondered at the extent of the damage I did to my brain. If I had a few brain cells for every time I smoked pot... I am sure my facilities are slightly less since then. But then I thought, what I lost in pure computation, I gained in will power.

Ha. Ha ha. I must not have lost much.

---

So it seems that within a span of time, I will have this place to myself. This glorious glorious apartment. My roommate and I are ready to let go. I am really excited about all this space. Two rooms (one for bed, one for work), my OWN living room, little kitchen (which my parents are about to remake), and lovely deck. DUDE! I am the luckiest person in the world!

And once this is mine, I will totally get a cat.

---

Christianna talked me into figuring out my slump. It's retail.

The last time I was like this was when I had another part-time retail job. The thing about it is, I just feel as though no matter how well I do my job, my efforts are fruitless. It's the same pack of little things to do every day, and one never really finishes. This wouldn't be so bad if it were my own store, something I could take pride in--but it's not. I have no sense of ownership.

I think on some level I knew this was the deal with corporate retail, but there were a couple things I was hoping would change it. Working with really cool people. Product that I used and wanted to use for myself. I mean, selling people raw material for art, that's exciting, right? My imagination could drink in their beginnings and make my own product.

Still, it's not enough. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not (one of) the brains in this enterprise. There is no room for awesome ideas here--they happen elsewhere--and I am made of awesome ideas.

I am suited to projects. Where you come up with something, realize it, work on it, and finish it. Little projects within big projects. This is why I like working with organizations. This is the nature of writing and art. This is actually what higher education does--it trains you in projects. It's why I'm a pretty good student--I'm suited to it. I went to the tailor's and he made me a perfect dress named College.

(There's actually a lot more to it, but I just thought that was a great line. :D )

11:32 a.m. 2004-04-01�