For the past few days I've felt kind of ehh about J. Why? God Knows. I dunno. That's just how it's been. It's been like, what, two weeks now? That we've been dating? Anyways, I don't know what to make of my state of indifference/disappointment. Disappointment? I dont' think that's really what it is, because nothing with either of us has changed. It's not like we're all of a sudden different people or anything. Nothing's different except that I'm feeling ehh. And he probably is too. Most feeling is mutual. And I think neither of us know what to make of it. There was an awkward moment last night when he was saying goodbye to me after poker when it felt like one of us was going to bring it up. But it was really cold outside, and he didn't have his jacket on, and I was headed out.

So Alex says that he expects this of things that start fast. Things that start fast will have a really intense lustre in the beginning, and when that fades, which it will, quickly, there's a feeling of, so what now? Or so he says. That was true enough, I guess. We were so intensely in love. Not that that's totally absent now. See, what's really odd is that, even after a night that seemed awkward in an I-don't-know-how-to-bring-it-up-to-you kind of way, on my way home and as I was falling asleep, I was thinking how wonderful he was and how I love to kiss him and how much I'm attracted to him and how interesting he is. But our goodbye was so awkward and perfunctory. But I was smiling thinking of him as I fell asleep.

What the heck? Alex suggested it might be a defense mechanism; that because I know I'll HAVE to let go of him soon enough, that this withdrawal on my part is a way of keeping my emotions to myself. That could be part of it. But I have a certain disdain for holding back your emotions for fear of getting hurt. What are emotions for then? We are really very resilient, we can be hurt over and over again, and to me the whole ride is worth whatever.

I even consulted the I Ching. I used to use my oracles all the time, but when I realized I was growing dependent (like throwing the coins to see whether I should really start my homework), I set them aside and said, okay. Only for moments when, all things considered in a big decision, I think either way is really fine, or when I want some insight on something that is completely out of my hands. Otherwise my inner oracle is all I need. The Oracle at Delphi. heh.

But yeah, so it said, hey, don't worry about what you will or won't get out of it. Just do what's right for the time, don't worry about what happens next. There is really never anything to lose ("nothing that is truly yours can ever be lost, even if you throw it away"), so just be true to yourself.

And I still am not sure what to make of that. But as I read it, I noticed the way I read into it, which was, stick with him, there is nothing wrong with waiting it out. "Perseverance furthers," etc. And what's as or more important that what the oracle actually says is how you read into what it's saying. Because the way you read into an oracle is what you're intuition's been trying to tell you all along. The only reason you need an oracle to bring it out is because you're having thoughts that are clouding your intuition--fears, insecurities, presumptions. Otherwise it's the truth that your own self is oracle enough.

11:23 a.m. 2003-10-15�