It just occurred to me, while I was jewelry shopping on ebay--I am feeling rather: emotionally alone.

I just watched Swingers with my roommate--a movie I like a lot. You know (and if you don't know, well now you know) there's that part at the end where he's with Heather Graham, and they like each other--they just like each other--and they're deciding to do everything right with each other; they have that funny good feeling, the one that makes them nervous, but also calms and centers them and makes them feel okay. You know.

Watching those scenes, with the one of them dancing, I felt it, like when I was dancing with J for the first time, and first having that crush on him that made me feel like a better person. Yeah, I was thinking about that. And then I thought about Cris, who--we're just happier around each other, but we're not like, you know, in love; and they both have their own things goin' that don't involve my emotions (anymore), and then I realized, I thought--I'm alone.

Not alone alone, not boo-hoo no one's here for me alone. Just: I'm alone with my emotions. These people are not involved. I may as well not throw my emotions around if they are not Involved. I realized that, and stopped. And then, I wasn't sad; it was like--Now what do I do? Sort of furrow your brow, look to the left and right, and think, What just happened?

There is always something I am doing with my romantic emotion, always somehow thinking about some dumb boy. And when that's not there, there's so much space I have no idea what to do with it. Just don't know. The intellectual pursuits don't fit there. I don't know what else fits there, because I have rarely had to think about it.

A shard of Rumi poetry floated up to me: "Stay inside such a pure, hollow note." Yeah, easy for you to say, Rumi.

I guess I could just, Put nothing there. (Ha, we'll see about that, saith Epithumia.)

Okay.

1:08 a.m. 2004-03-05�